Holy Shit..... Where to Begin

I've been in a funk over the last few weeks and I'm really starting to irritate the shit out of myself. Is it the weather? Is it the anticipation of receiving my divorce papers? Is it the unknown of where my life is headed to now? I don't know.... and even a bottle of Little Penguin Merlot is not helping me out.I can't concentrate on any one thing for more than a nano-second, it seems. I've also fallen into this selfish mode.  I think about me and me only and let me tell ya, that is NOT cool.  When people you love say, "Um, what the eff? Did you forget I'm here?", that's a sign that your head  is apparently up your ass.  I have always tried to make people know that I care about them and want them around. Lately, I just push people out the door. Literally.

Not only that, I'm getting pissed over the crap going on in the world.

Take for instance, my neighbor. A 16 year old kid....  conspired with two friends at school to kill his parents.  WHAT???? So, last week, the two other boys showed up at his house and shot him instead?? WTF? Craziness.  Now I'm afraid to sit in the Bitch Cave and enjoy a nightcap. Great.....  Losers. Jody, I'm getting a gun.... soon.....

I have nothing nice to say about anything right now. I have friends that seem to think that my life is just as normal as it ever was, not thinking I may be dealing with a lot of stress due to the impending dissolution of my marriage. No, don't ask if I'm ok..... don't worry that I'm sitting here stressed,  pulling my hair out, feeling like a failure.... nah.... let's turn it into why I'm not my same old self and how it is a shock that I am not the ME you knew 6 months ago. Shit... Really??? If you were my friend, then, I guess you should understand that I'm not really myself right now. And just fucking leave it at that. Or hell, just pop in one day and take a look for yourself! I'm in the nurturing Kerri mode right now.... I'm not into making sure other people are feeling all warm and fuzzy. (Read paragraph two again) Oh,I forgot your birthday? Well excuse the piss outta' me. I was kind of busy.... drowning in a bottle of Merlot!!!! 

See, nothing nice is going to come out of this blog. I should end it right here, but shit, I'm on a roll.

Here's another tidbit of info..... if you have "Baby Mama Drama" issues, PLEASE, PLEASE.... DON'T POST THAT SHIT ON FACE BOOK.  Are you ignorant? First off, we know that baby mama drama stems from the Mama not likin' the Daddy being happy or having a life.  So, take the drama to Judge Whapner if it's that frigin important. Nobody needs to know that you're a jack-ass!! Oh, and for you hypocrites, writing nasties on Face book about someone and then telling that said someone later on that you're sorry and you're going to go pray on it......  go eat shit please.  You are a crazy person and EVERYONE knows it. Prayers, lying about your education, exorcisms'......  we know you people are nuts.... you really don't need to put it out there for the world to see.  You're only humiliating yourself.  

OK, well, this is why I haven't been blogging,..... not too many nice things to say.

Well, hope y'all enjoy the video.  

Break is Over...... Time to Bitch Again!

Just happened to notice that I haven't bitched...,. I mean, blogged, in a few weeks.  Why you ask? I have no idea. Kind of been in a funk. Or I could still be in shock after receiving my out-frigin-rageous electric bill!!! Crap, don't get me started on that again!!
Let's see, what have I been doing....... well, I redid my living room and now it's a comfy, cozy, lay in the recliner, junk food eating, Jersey Shore watching womb.  It's my happy place. Which, unfortunately, is not helping the muffin top issue that has crept up again. See, I quit hula-hooping and look what happened.  I was even going to the gym 3 nights a week but since we got all that snow, I refuse to leave the house for anything other than the necessities..... wine, smokes, coffee.... you see where I'm going with that. I'm going to Florida for a few days next week and when I get back, it's back to the gym to widdle the muffin.
I'm in the process of outlining my new book. I've gotten some of it written and working on a proposal as we speak. SOMEONE PLEASE HIRE MY ASS TO WRITE!!!!!!!!  Who wouldn't want a witty, smart-mouthed, tell-it-like-it-is writer representing their company?? I've seen some crappy books out there lately and figured the authors must have self published or blew the publisher because I now use those books pages as coasters, tissues, fire starters and whatever else they may be good for. Certainly not good for reading.
So, anyways, I'm back and I'm on a mission! Watch out New York Times Best Sellers List!!!! 

The Girl with the Golden Fingers ( like Ted Williams, but different......)

I'm in a pissy/tired mood and I'm just gonna do a little venting, so, sit tight and don't get your panties in a wad. This is just how I'm feeling.... right this second.

First.... Ted Williams. The "homeless guy with the golden voice."  OK, yep, it was a nice, touching, gotta love second chances kind of story.....  THE FIRST TIME.  I never sit down and watch tv but today I decided to eat my lo mein OUTSIDE of the bubble tub.  I know, right???  Anyways, I turned on Inside Edition and guess who?? Ted Williams.  Ok, so it was a touch annoying but I dealt with it. Then, after commercial break, guess who again?? Ted Williams.  This time it was Oprah talking about how she wants to hire him.  (He should be pretty jazzed cause if Oprah looks at it, touches it, farts on it..... it turns golden!) Commercial.  Oh, wow, guess who's on during this next segment? TED FRICKIN WILLIAMS!!! This time his children are watching him on tv, blowing him kisses, ya da ya da ya da.  They acted like they hadn't seen him in decades. Which, is not true.  Since his one daughter was telling how he comes and bathes and washes clothes at her house.  That's besides the point.  Look, here's my problem.  You have a man that was a drug addict, an alcoholic and homeless.  In less than 24 hours, he's been given job offers by Oprah, NBA folks want him to be the voice of the Cavaliers (I have no clue who they are but Darren, ya better be proud!), and he's already done one commercial... a voice over for Kraft mac and cheese.  They are shooting this man all the way to the top in a matter of hours.  He lived in a tent for shit's sake! Let the man get used to living like a MAN again... THEN bog him down with this crap.  You don't think any of this might send him spiraling back down???
I did see, like a two second clip, of this woman who was doing yoga, with her naked infant, holding it by the wrists and ankles, swinging it back and forth, upside down, behind her back.... WTF??? Then that was it.  Um, I hope someone called protective services on her ass!!! Really? Oh, wait, more Ted Williams.
Then, to top off the broadcast, some fine Nashvillian's, representing....... yes, the 77 year old grandmother who was arrested on New Year's Eve, driving drunk down the interstate in Nashville......  THE WRONG WAY!!! With her drunk ass grandson sleeping in the passenger seat.  Nice.
This is why I don't watch tv during the day.
Maybe this is why I got a fortuneless fortune cookie today...........  hmmmph.

GOODBYE 2010!!!!

Well, 2010 is almost over...... and I am soooooooooooooo thankful to see it go.  This has been a roller coaster of a year.  Good times, bad times (a LOT more bad than good, I might add ), miserable times.  I'm ready to start 2011! My divorce will be final in another 30 days or so, I'll be going back to the office to work (my decision.... I'm bored and lonely), I'm going to get back into my writing and this year  one of my books will be completed and published! It's time to get serious, worry about ME and MY future and how I'm going to take care of ME...... instead of trying to make other people happy and giving up myself to do it.  I did that for way too long and it's time to stop. 
I've decided that 2011 is the "Year of Kerri!"  I'm going to do things FOR me, the way I want to do them, WHEN I want to do them. "Oh, I feel like taking off and going to Mexico for the weekend!...... buh-bye!" Or, "Ya know, I don't feel like going and watching a live band........  I'm going to stay home and drink wine and eat chocolate. Why? Because I can!" Yep, I feel less stressed just thinking about the New Year! I'm not going to feel guilty about going to Barnes and Noble every Friday night and hanging out with my fellow nerds, enjoying huge cups of coffee, reading magazines and researching.  THAT'S what I like so THAT'S what I'm going to do!!!! I think J and I will finally hit Sips and Strokes and do a LOT more vintage clothes shopping. 
I am very lucky to have a son who is caring, considerate and kind.  I plan on spending more time with him this year as well.  I miss my friends and plan on making more time for them, too.  Missy.... Jody..... we WILL be going to a Cubs game this year!! Maybe two!!! I WILL make it to Chicago this year!!! I also want to go back to Watertown, NY.... where I grew up. I miss it.  I can do ALL of these things now without worrying that I'm going to hurt someones feelings or piss someone off!
I spent the first 40 years of my life taking care of other people and putting what I wanted on the back burner.  Not anymore.  The next 40 are MINE!!!!

So, on that note, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Tim the Tool Man Taylor Would be Proud!!!!!!!

What an exciting day!!! My good friend J brought me my Christmas present today and it was AWWWEEESOOMMME!!!  Tools!!! My OWN tools!!! A screwdriver set, TWO tape measures and a very cool, Edward Scissor hands meets Swiss Army knife kinda thing!!! It's got a knife, screwdrivers, bottle opener, a nail file, pliers and some other cute little gadgets on it!! And, it has skulls on the handles!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
My home was recently "ransacked" (not really, I like to add a little drama to the obvious) and I was left without any tools.  Not even a hammer!! I did get one huge screw driver, which, if you turn it around, makes a fine hammer.
I was so excited, I took my fan apart and cleaned it!! I have become a "home-repair-person," per my friend Greg.  See, I had a little issue this evening that unfortunately, my tools could not repair.  My outlets in the bathroom stopped working.  Ummmmm, not cool at all!! I went outside and looked in the box and the fuse things looked normal.....  I mean, I wouldn't have known what I was even looking for to be quite honest.  But, with Greg's help, I tracked down the culprit to my son's outlet in his bathroom.  So, all is good and I can straighten my hair in front of the mirror now. It was an easy fix.... push a button... reset.... fixed.  But I feel like I just rewired the entire house blindfolded while sipping wine.  I feel like....well, probably what a man feels like when he fixes something minor like that! LIKE DA-MAN!!!! LOL!!!
I've never repaired anything like that, especially via text.  I feel so high tech now! And those GFI things.... should be called WTF's!!! Why would it just pop out and throw off every outlet?  Guess that's why I'm not an electrician.
So now, I'm prepared to fix anything!!!! Well, as long as it only requires being screwed, filed, opened or sawed (yes, it has a small saw on it!). Still, I feel like I've just became a woMAN!! Grrrrr......
I feel like I need to go walk around Lowe's now and stand in every isle, looking at shit I don't need and have no clue what it's for.  I feel like Tim Taylor from Home Improvement!!!
So, that was my exciting evening!! Now, I'm off to find something else that needs fixing!!!

HO! HO! HOOOOOOOOOLD THE EFF' ON A SECOND!!!

OK, I know Christmas is just next week but I am just not in the Christmas spirit. I'm almost sure you have all figured out that I am going through a divorce.  Just let me make this clear so there is no confusion or wild story telling...I AM NOT SAD ABOUT MY DIVORCE!!! I AM THRILLLLLED!!!!! Now that THAT is out of the way......

First, I just want to say that, I think Christmas has been totally commercialized over the last 25 years and it makes me ill.  Yes, I think it's great for children!! Adults?? Really?? You've made a list?  Well isn't that just eff'ing fantabulous! How about this....... instead of saying, "I WANT this or that," think about those who are a lot less fortunate.  You want a pair of Jimmy Choo's??? Well, shit, so do I!!! But you don't see me ASKING anyone for them!!! If I want them, I'll buy them myself. Why take out a second mortgage to buy expensive shoes, purses, jewelry, cars, electronics.......?  What is the purpose? To have one day out of the year where you feel like you're rich? That is so ignorant.  And I also feel that you shouldn't HAVE to buy anyone a gift.  I mean, if you really feel like buying someone a gift, be practical. But you shouldn't feel like you HAVE to buy anyone ANYTHING. Why would I buy some douche bag I don't like, a present??? Ummm, NO!  I like to do NEED shopping.  If I know you NEED something, I'd be more apt to buy that than something you MAY or MAY NOT use. My family did a name draw this year.  One gift.... that's all I have to buy.  Instead of one gift for every member of my family. Would I like to buy them all a gift? Sure I would.  Am I going to let my electricity get turned off to do so? HELLLLLLLLLL NO!!!!!  Anyways, enough of that.  Let me get to why I really wanted to blog....

So, I've been sitting here over the last two months noticing stuff that "disappeared" without my knowing.  And, it's not until I needed that item, did I notice it was gone.  Obviously I noticed the TV and the boat.... but now I'm noticing odd stuff.... like the nice lamp I bought for MY desk.  Hmmmm.... missing.  MY WINTER CLOTHES....... missing.....  just stuff like that.  I've tried not to get pissed and just look at the source of it's disappearance.  SCREW THAT!!!  WTF??? MY winter clothes????  Really?  It wasn't enough to pussy out while I was on vacation and go through every inch of this house and take what you wanted?? But MY clothes? Something I wasn't aware of there???????? hmmmmmm......

I've heard through the grapevine that new cars are being bought, trips are being taken......  and I sit here and wonder.... HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN????  Now, I'm not jealous, mind you.  I'm not the one who will have to pay for the vehicle.  I live within my means.  This is why I don't have to run out and find a sugar daddy to hook up with to pay my bills, house my ass, and stroke my tiny....... EGO.....  I take care of myself.  It just pisses me off that I gave, gave, GAVE and he took, took, TOOK!!! I know karma is a bitch and she'll rear her ugly head eventually.  Not on me.....  that's for sure. I know that I am sooooooo much better off!!! It still just pisses me off that someone took advantage of me.  It pisses me off even more that I let him!!! Sorry, I just needed to vent.  I just get pissed when I have to go buy myself something long sleeved so I can stay warm because someone thought they needed my clothes more than I did.  Oh, and BTW, you need to go to the PLUS SIZE section.... my clothes are from the JUNIORS section!! Just sayin!!!

Shitter's Full!

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

Ahhhhh, those famous words of Clark W. Griswold!!!!
That ENTIRE movie was hilarious!!! Thanks to Jody, I feel the need to quote all of the funny parts!!
Here's more quotes!!! If this shit doesn't make you laugh, then you have bigger issues than I do!! 

Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. 


Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.  (this reminds me of my friends!!! )



[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.


Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does. 

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.


Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark. 


Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d!@kless, hopeless, heartless, fat-@ss, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s@!t he is. Hallelujah. Holy s@!t. Where's the Tylenol?" - Clark Griswold