HO! HO! HOPE I get an Aisle Seat

I'm sitting here in the bubble tub trying to check-in for my flight tomorrow (Southwest means 24 hours prior to take off. You cannot check in one minute before. Jeesh!) so I can be in the early A group. My flight leaves at 6:10. I like to be near the front, but not too close to the door. I hate being in the back near the bathroom. Nasty. It's 6:09. Says I have to wait until 6:10. 6:10!! I'm in!! I'm in the A boarding group!! WTF??? A-52??? 52??? I KNOW that I had to be the first person to check in!! That's almost the end of the first group!!! I'll never get up front!!! Dammit!!!

I'm headed to Florida to take care of my Ma'! She found out the day before Thanksgiving that she has to have surgery on her spine. They are replacing the discs in her neck. They are basically just stacked on top of each other causing severe pain. She had the first surgery today (which went well, I'm told), which they went through the front of her throat to replace some discs and Wednesday, they'll do the second surgery where they go through the back. I will be there for that surgery and will play Nurse Good body for a few days after she leaves the hospital.I'm hoping they give her some REALLY good drugs! I will administer the drugs then proceed to video her telling me that I'M her favorite and then send that video to my sisters. Just in time for them to get pissed and of course, I'll be on my flight home! I wonder if I'll be able to get that pony I always wanted...??!!!

I haven't even gotten my shopping finished! I just got back from finishing it for my family in Florida. Hey, I'll let Southwest transport my gifts instead of mailing them. I'll be saving a butt load of money that way! I'll have to finish when I get back. ON DECEMBER 21st! Uggggghhhh.  Why do I always wait?? Missy, I'll be sending your package and hopefully you'll get it for Christmas! No guarantees! I walked out of the house today and forgot to take it with me. It may come to you via Florida's mail system.

I normally spend the two weeks prior to Christmas watching A Christmas Story, Elf, and of course, my ALL TIME FAVORITE, Christmas Vacation!!! Cousin Eddie ALWAYS makes the Holidays better. But here's the thing.  My dad is addicted to Lifetime Movie Network, so, I'm sure I won't be watching them. AND....  AND..... I cannot seem to find Christmas Vacation on DVD anywhere! Only on blue ray and I don't have a blue ray DVD player.Guess I'll be watching it on my laptop if YouTube has it in it's entirety. Bummer.

Unfortunately (tee hee!) I will miss the work Christmas Dinner and Secret Santa gifts. Darn  it all.  I don't normally do the "secret Santa" crap at work anyways. I've been working from home for three years and have not participated. I refuse to have to take 2 hours off of my time to drive to/from the office to deliver a $5 gift, chit chat with people I don't care to chat with and get my secret Santa gift (usually something from the Dollar Tree). This is my thing, MAIL me my gift card for my free ham! I'll see you at my quarterly review! In March!!

On that note, I'm all checked in for my flight, my water is getting cold and my deep pore cleansing mask is melting like butter on a hot, GA sidewalk (now it's probably settled into the pores). So off I go to finish my packing and hopefully catching something Christmas'y on TV.

Please....Nobody Wants to see Your Bimples!!

Is it ever possible to go to Wal-Mart and not run into someone who belongs on the "People of Wal-mart" website? You know the one....where they show the "people" who come in dressed up like they just rolled out of bed.....or worse!!!
Well, today I had the pleasure, joy, most fucked up view EVER while waiting in line!! "Bimples and her I wanna be like that Honey Boo-Boo daughter were in front of me. With a cart FULL of garbage food which were paid with food stamps, but that's for another post.  While standing in line, I couldn't help but notice that Bimples, apparently thought she needed to dress up for her Wal-Mart outing today. I'll give her credit... no part of her body was hanging out (side boob, muffin top, tramp stamp, etc...). But what in the HELL is wrong with your ASS????? 
It literally looked like her ass was made of soft clay and someone took an object and just dimpled the hell out of it! When you wear spandex leggings, they show EVERY dimple you have!!! OMG!! Nasty!!  I'm sorry.... I'm by no means overweight, but, I do NOT wear spandex leggings ANYWHERE, other than to bed or under my jeans if it's really cold out and I'm sledding down the driveway in my laundry basket. These are meant to be worn in public by girls under the age of 12, who usually wear them under a skirt. This is OK.  45 year old women with a ton of cellulite on their legs and ass should NOT sport this kind of attire!! I know Wal-Mart is famous for, "come as you are, we'll take your money regardless" approach, but shit!! I was literally sick to my stomach!!
Quick lesson here. Jeggings are like spandex but are made of thin denim and don't show the dimples. And they actually make your jiggly ass a little tighter. Jeggings are for women over 40. BUY DAMN JEGGINS, PEOPLE!!! End of story.

See?? I rest my case.

I'm Baaaaaaaack!!!

Holy crap!! Not having a laptop for the last three months was pure torture!! Do you know how hard it is to Pinterest, blog, READ anything on an I phone?
But, thanks the massive amounts of overtime lately, I have a new computer! And I'm back and ready to bitch.... err, blog. Yeah, blog!

Where to begin??? So much stuff has frustrated me, pissed me off, intrigued me.....

This blog will just be my "getting back to blogging post." A little of this, a bunch of that....  so, here we go.

First, I would just like to thank the two folks from Sweden who continue to view my blog everyday, even though there are no recent posts. I appreciate that you are checking for updates. That tells me you like me! Or you are VERY bored. Either way, thank you!!

I believe my last blog was about the Superfluous Underwear.  Just a quick update on that. I am protesting the sale of "underpants" that come in a three pack. Hey.... nobody said you had to join in! I personally think it's a total rip off. And I have NOT worn them since the event that I had to buy them for. I'm sure the "underpants" company is probably laughing at my emails but I feel it is my duty to stand up for all of the "only wear underpants occasionally" crowd. That is all.

Next..... I'm not sure if it's just me actually growing a little soft spot or menopause getting ready to kick in and toy with my emotional state. Either way, since I've had more time on my hands lately due to no laptop, I did a  lot of thinking. I thought about my friends and the people I thought were my friends but now I'm not so sure. I mean really, at our age, well, at my age, who likes a know it all, been there, done that, I know more people than you, hypocritical, judgemental, who don't we like this week busy body. I mean really..... we're not in high school people. I don't want to sit and listen to who you don't like and why you don't like them. You will not sway me one way or the other. I form my own  opinions. So save your breath,  stop trying to be someone you are not. We don't care WHO you know or HOW you know them. Personally, I don't give a rats ass!!!! So shush already!

Speaking of friends. I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend, Stephanie Perfect. She set up a yard sale/canned food drive and all food and money went to the local food bank. She saw a story on the news where people were standing in line at 5am just to hopefully be able to get a few items. The food banks are running low thanks in part to this wonderful economy. People purchased items with canned goods and made monetary donations.  It was a huge success and over 1300 pounds of food was collected!! Way to go Stephanie!! I am so proud of you and what you accomplished!!! YOU ROCK!!!!


Facebook.... I'm really over it.  I don't get on nearly as much as I did in the past. Let me tell you why. I've blogged about this before but apparently nobody read it and took the hint. I get up at 4:45 every morning. I sit and have my coffee, scroll down through Face book to see what's going on and all I ever see anymore is political views, pictures people take with their phones posing with those Angelina Jolie duck lips pooched out, "in a relationship" to "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated."  All withing an 8 hour span. Really? If it changes that much, that quick, walk away. It's obviously not a good relationship. Duh! Or, some of my favorite posts to hate include posts about your headache you've had for 3 days, the amount of narcotics you took for said headache, the amount of time you sat at the doctors office, the fact that your hiatal hernia is acting up again, your rant to your ex, AND STOP SENDING ME FRIGIN GAME REQUESTS (I only play words with friends...)!!!! Seriously. I'm over it.

Any-who.....  I just wanted to let y'all know I was back!!! Keep on reading and I'll keep on blogging!

My book, for those interested, is nearing the end and will be trying to make it's way to a Barnes and Noble near you!! Keep your fingers crossed that some publisher will enjoy my sense of humor and publish the damn thing!!

Oh wait!! Two more things!! One, just because it's fall now doesn't mean you should neglect your toenails!! A good Mani/pedi never killed anyone!!! And I urge you to go to Walgreen's and buy some Cadburry Screme Eggs for Halloween! They have green creme in the center!!! Yum-frig in-ohhhhhhhh!!! OK, now I'm done! 

Peace out Bitches!!   

Superfluous Underwear!!!

I had to go out and buy a pair of underwear recently, to go under a dress. I'll admit, I'm not an underwear wearer. Yeah, yeah....  Get over it.
Anyways, I had no idea that trying to purchase one pair of beige underwear was going to turn into such an ordeal. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed and I was on a mission. I had a few hours before my flight left so I needed to get to Target and pick up said pair of beige underwear, go home, pack the rest of my stuff and take off for the airport.
So I get to Target, head to the "underwear jungle" and search for just the right pair. I was looking for a cheap, plain beige, no thong, no lace, just plain ole' cotton "underpants," as my mom still calls them. I searched high and low for my "single pair of no muss, no fuss,beige underwear". Beige and white stripes, beige with flowers, beige with hearts, beige with colored stripes, beige g-string, beige thong. Do people NOT wear plain colored bikini underwear these days?
Then, I found them. But the ONE pair I needed was in a pack of three... a black pair, a white pair and ta- DAH... a beige pair. Well, I guess if this is the ONLY way I'm going to get my ONE pair of beige underpants, then so be it. I looked up at the price tag and WHOA.....$9.99!! For THREE, count 'em, THREE pairs of underwear! Are you kidding me?? If I was to wear underwear, I would be changing them everyday. So that means, I would need seven pair for the week. That would cost approximately $30 for a weeks worth of underwear. Wait... WHAT??? Since when were underwear more expensive than a dinner at Logan's Steakhouse? I could buy a new pair of Chucks for what I would spend on one week's worth of underwear! I could have bought 30 songs on Itunes, a carton of cigarettes, filled up my gas tank.......  Underwear is so overrated!! What a waste.
Every time I think about my trip to Target for ONE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR, it reminds me of this scene from Father of the Bride......

Don't make me kill you with my 3.4 ounces of deodorant!

Have you ever flown and when you packed, you totally forgot about the size of the liquids you are allowed to carry on to the plane? I usually run out to Target and get the 99 cent tube of toothpaste and the trial size deodorant and then just use someone else's body wash, shampoo, etc. No big deal. But when I flew to Tampa last week, I just threw a few things in my bag because I was only going for a few days, so I didn't bring tons of crap. Without even thinking about it  I threw in my toothpaste and deodorant (I did put them in a zip-lock) that I use everyday.
I very rarely check my luggage. I hate standing around waiting for it when I get to where I'm going so, I make sure it will all fit in my small suitcase so I can carry it on the plane with me.
So, I pull off my shoes, my belt, put my laptop in it's OWN tote, per the as-a-matter-of-factly TSA dude, and stand in the glass bubble while my entire body is looked at with that fancy x-ray machine thing. While I'm waiting on the other side, my bare feet standing on the cold, probably funky with toe jam and athlete's foot fungus tiles, I see my duffel bag start to come out of the machine. Whoops! Back in it goes. It doesn't come out. A TSA agent grabs my bag and says, "Is this yours?" "Yes, it's mine." I kind of got a little scared. I was thinking, "did someone slip something in my bag?" The LOVELY TSA agent pulls out my bras, panties, camera and my ziplock filled with my toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant. "This is the problem. You can't have this on the plane," as she unzipped the ziplock and removed the deodorant and toothpaste. "I'll dispose of it for you." Wow.  It's toothpaste and deodorant. Ok. It's their job. I get it. My bad."Next time you pack, we specifically state on our website to use one-quart ziplock bags. You have here a one GALLON size bag." Are you fucking serious?  On that note, I slid on my shoes, threw my belt in my purse and hauled my duffel bag with my one gallon ziplock to Tootsie's and had a QUART of beer!!
Now, I'm not knocking TSA for doing their job. I'm not. But answer me this....  On the way back from Tampa, I had in my duffel bag, a ONE-GALLON zip lock (the same one I brought with me) with a FULL size deodoarant, a FULL size toothpaste, a 10 ounce bottle of hair product and a picture frame with a picture of my sister and her new husband. WITH THE GLASS IN IT!!! Explain to me HOW the frame was not thrown away. I think if I was a terrorist, I would try to hurt someone by breaking the glass and making a weapon with it rather than spending three minutes uncapping and rolling out the deodorant and poking someone in the eye with it. They didn't bat at eye at my bag. They watched it on the monitor and let it go through.
I'm just glad to see that TSA is consistent. Makes me feel really safe. NOT!!!!
Oh, and on my flight from Atlanta to Nashville, one of the flight attendants was an Asian male. Lets just say, it's a good thing I've flow before because if not, I would have never been able to figure out how to make my seat a floatation device or how to put my oxygen mask on. Jeesh.
"Wel-om to At-an-ta. Two-day, we are go to Nish-vill. Pleeeeese have good day."

Holy Crap! Call 911!! I Lost My Contacts!!!

Laugh if you want, but, I seriously sat and cried today....because of a stupid cell phone.
I'll admit, my IPhone is like my lifeline. Literally. I don't know any phone numbers. You're a name/contact, people. That's why God invented the IPhone. For convenience and to cut down on the amount of post-it notes I have hung up!
I got my new IPhone 4 a few months ago after the cat that adopted us pulled mine off of the table and shattered the screen. I'm not gonna lie.I'm not good at preventative maintenance, routine maintenance or any other kind of maintenance.  Only when it comes to my toenails.
When I got the IPhone 4, I didn't log into itunes and do the crap you're supposed to do. My bad. So, this morning, I realized that I never put all of my music on this phone. I thought you just plug in the phone to the computer, hit a button and ta-DA!! No.... oh HELL NO! I apparently hit the, "restore to factory settings" button. And it put all the shit from my IPhone 3 onto this phone. Which, I also didn't realize the last time I backed up/updated that phone was in September 2011.
I lost all of my new contacts, pictures, my notepad with ALL of my log in/passwords to EVERYTHING, Angry Birds.... it's all gone. Now, the pièce de ré·sis·tance, I apparently, soon after getting divorced, changed my Itunes info and passwords. ARE YOU SERIOUS????? I've spent well over 2 hours total on the phone with the APPLE people and basically, I'M SCREWED!!! I've gotten all my passwords and lo gins taken care of but my pictures..... never to be seen again.
I clocked out of work, sat and cried and then I added Icloud to my phone so there is NO WAY I can do this again. I was seriously lost for several hours today. I had to find Darren's phone bill so I could get his number off of it and call him. 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I use my IPhone CONSTANTLY! It's my phone, laptop, map, gaming device, notepad, newspaper.... IT'S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!! So you'll understand why I was so upset. 
Today was very traumatizing and frustrating. My phone is still not 100% up and running but at least I can make phone calls.  I'm just pissed that my pics are gone. Dammit. I hope I can sleep tonight. This really is devastating.
Well, nothing that a bowl of Lucky Charms and Modern Family on TV can't cure.

You Touch Your Own Feet????

Yes...... I touch my own feet. This was my response to the early 20 something blond that lives upstairs. The one I believe wears wooden clogs 24 HOURS A DAY!
I was out on my porch today, giving myself a pedicure and enjoying the almost 80 degree weather. I mean, spring will officially be here in 17 days, so, it's time to get the feet cleaned up and ready for sandals for the next 6 months.
 This is not just a one day fix. You have to soak and slough, soak and slough, moisturize, slough some more and THEN put on a fab-U (I know you hate that word Stephanie....sorry) coral shade! Yes, it will make your legs look very pasty at first but, go get some sun! Everyone knows I'm a toenail freak!! I can't stand to see nasty ass feet in expensive sandals. If you can afford $20 sandals then you can afford a pedicure. I prefer to do my own because I'm cheap. And I'd rather spend that $20 on a cardigan or some books. But I at least do them!
I was just putting on my top coat when Blondie says in a squeamish voice, "you touch your own feet?" Um, "yes, don't you?" "Oh girl, NOOOOO!! They have people who do that for you!" No shit, really? "Well, I like to do my own and save my money." She proudly responded, "My daddy gives me an allowance for my nails every month!" Well, isn't that swell. "Well, I haven't relied on my daddy to pay my bills since I was 18. So, I guess I'll continue to touch my own feet!"  She gave me that smile like she didn't know if I was being a smart-ass or not, flipped her blond locks over her shoulder and clickity-clacked up the stairs.
Piss me off! Spoiled rich kids. She and a roommate share the apartment above us. They are the NOISIEST people on the planet.  I swear it sounds like they are dropping bricks and doing River Dancing in wooden clogs from Holland!!!
Anyways, consider this your pre-spring, get your feet done, reminder! Nobody wants to look at dried up, old calloused feet with chipped paint still on from last August.
Slough, slough, slough ladies!!! You too, fellas! Nothing worse that seeing a dude in sandals with a big ass callous on the side of his toe!! Ewwwwwwwwww......

YES, You ARE Tired!!! Take These!!

OK, I'll admit, I've been going to a counselor because I was feeling a little homesick-y, empty nest-y, friendless-y...... that kind of crap. Hey, I just moved here a few months ago and got a little overwhelmed. So I thought, heck, why not. Maybe I'll make some friends there. Well, that didn't happen but I sure have gotten a lot of good material out of these visits, which is why I'm continuing to go.
I had no idea that this was a "Christian Counseling Center" when I made the appointment. So the use of the words, fucktard, fat bastard and a long list of four letter words was probably not the best choice. Though my counselor did tell me it was OK to open up and speak freely.  Her bad!
I'm honestly getting a good giggle out of these visits. My counselor has finally figured out my name is NOT Kelly, she loves my purse and cardigans and boots, thinks we could be good friends..... WAIT.... WHAT? I think not. No...  not gonna happen. She cracks me up!! It's really like going to a one hour one-on-one comedy routine. She doesn't tell me anything I don't already know.
Yesterday, she thought I should see the licensed psychiatrist. She thought maybe my mind was spinning too much over everything going on in my life and I may need some medication. Ok, I'll bite.
This shrink! Holy Shit! He was like 70 years old and was HYSTERICAL!!! He said I was tired and needed something to sleep at night. "No, I sleep pretty good, actually."  "NO! You're mentally tired and need a good nights sleep!" Whoa..... are you serious? "You need an anti-depressant to help you get through all of this!" All of what?  I need a beer and cigarette during intermission because this is the best show I've seen in a long time! You have no idea the writing material that's come out of this. Needless to say, I did not get sleeping pills. A nice glass of Merlot does the saaaaaaaame thing. Trust me!

Plasma.... Plasma for sale......

Just when you think you start to see light at the end of the tunnel, POOF!!! The shit-bomb explodes and it's dark and crappy again!!
I just did my taxes and this is the first year I've EVER had to pay in!! What the hell?  I followed the online tax forms, entered the amounts from my W2, kinda got a little sidetracked thinking about the new laptop I was going to purchase with my return, then, right there, in a big red box, "YOU OWE THE IRS $2699.00!"  What? This can't be right!!! Maybe I keyed something in wrong.  Maybe the computer had a glitch. HOLY SHIT SOMEBODY GIVE ME A PAPER BAG!!!! I entered the numbers three different times.  I still owe the IRS!!! I called them!! Ranting and raving!!! I had to pull my mouth filter out because, hey, it is the IRS and they can screw with your money. So, I thought I'd better keep this conversation clean.
The wonderful gentleman on the other end as-a-matter-of-factly pointed out to me that when I got divorced, my employer never changed my w4 to single!! WHAT???  I know I filled that thing out! You've got to be shitting me!! I've been taxed as a married person all year, so, I didn't pay in enough, so now, I must pay the IRS some money!! Wonderful. Not only that, my paychecks will now be much smaller since I'll be taxed even more as a single person.  Which, does not make sense to me.  Tax the people with more than one paycheck coming in every month. Why screw with the single person's check (singular.. as in ONE check.. not TWO...grrrr).
So no new laptop. But I will be the proud owner of a coupon book of payments to go to the IRS every month. Maybe I'll start selling plasma to pay them off early.
I just needed to vent. That is all. Oh, and......FML...........

Uh-Huh...Uh-Huh..Uh- Uh--What???

I work from home doing accounts receivable. I basically have to figure out why insurance claims didn't pay and well, get them to pay.
Today, I was calling one of my usual payers.  A state agency. I won't say which state because that wouldn't be very PEACHY of me.... know what I"m sayin'... . Anyway.... id numbers are usually 12 digits or so long, so me, being professional and aware that some major dumb asses work for these companies use the thee digit rule.  I give numbers in three's then I pause a nanosecond and then go to the next three digits. It's a good little system. So today, I'm talking to a rep and I go on to give the id number.. "1,2...", "UH-HUH!"  What the??? WHY are you interrupting me after only 2 digits? Why are you even SPEAKING??? TYPE the numbers in and don't say a WORD!!!! After her "UH-HUH" I had to ask her what number she got to. "Um, you said 1,2,2.... "NO! That's not what I said. Let me start from the beginning. 1,2..", "UH- HUH, UH-HUH".... What in the HELL????  STOP IT!!!! So I had to ask again what number she got to.  This chick was adamant that I said, 1,2,2.  I never even GOT to the third digit so I have no clue how she came up with that! She started to giggle and said, "I don't know why we're having such a time with this!! It's almost the weekend so we must be getting anxious!" Um, no douche bag! It's only noon on Thursday and I'm getting frustrated because you won't shut your cake hole long enough for me to spit out an id number so you can do your job and tell me why you didn't pay on this claim!!! THAT'S what it making me anxious.  After the third round of the "UH-HUH" game, I just rattled it all off.... 12 digits... one right after the other. Not giving her a chance to slip in the UH-HUH! "Miss Kerri you're like a speed reader!"  Really? No, it's called I have productivity to meet and you're screwing it up for the day. I cannot deal with that shit. Or the one's that snap their gum in your ear, cough in your ear, mute you while they're talking to their neighbor, put you on hold while "they look into it" and accidentally get disconnected (I love having to call back and they are the one to answer again!! That's my ticket to be obnoxious with them!) or give you some fake ass excuse because they have no clue what their doing. 
That shit was just pissing me off today so I thought I share it.
Oh, on a happier note, HAPPY NATIONAL TATER TOT DAY!!!!!! I love tater tots!!! Nom-a-nom-a-nom!!!!!!!

Get Your Priorities in Order

I've been having terrible sinus headaches for about two weeks and I've had the Neti Pot shoved up my nose for just about as long. If you ever used one, you know that it's uncomfortable and nasty. But it works. So my plans today were to put on the pajama jeans after work and run down to Walgreens and get some of the medicine for it. While on the way there, I saw.........DAIRY QUEEN!!! Now, wouldn't a nice Georgia Mud Fudge blizzard be better for my sinus discomfort than medicine that I have to swish around inside my nasal cavities?  I. THINK. SO.

Money.... the root of all HAPPINESS

Money is not the root of all evil.  Well, not for me, anyways. I never have believed that. Not that I really know if money would make me happy, but, I'm thinking it would.  How can being able to provide for your family, without having to worry about the power being cut off or no food on your table be a bad thing? I'm not saying that that is where I'm at.  I have money to pay my bills but with very little extra.  I don't have the luxury of going out an buying a new car because I just want one. Or replacing one of my two, broken laptops. I get by like everyone else.
I do like to lay here in the bubble tub sometimes and pretend I'm making my shopping list; a pallet of Barefoot Sweet Red, an Ipad, a cute pair of black leather boots, a new laptop, a towel warmer,  new stainless appliances and  for my new $2.5 million dollar home in Park City, new skis and boots (because I'm living in Park City, where it snows.... a LOT!), a new claw foot tub for my writing Bubble Tub room, new cars for my parents, a bunch of airline tickets so my family will actually come and visit me and some new Northface jackets for my doggies (hey, they'll be cold).
See, now how can this be an evil thing? When I read that list, it makes me feel peaceful and happy. Being able to enjoy life without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from, kinda sounds like a good thing.  I think having NO money is the root of all evil.  Look at the people who go out and rob people and steal, because they have no money....  kill people over a pair of shoes!  THAT is evil.
These are just my personal thoughts. 
Well, time to get out of the clawless foot bubble tub, wrap up in a cold towel and get to writing some more on that book!!
Peace out~

The Perfect Man

The perfect man. Short blog but says so many words with just the photo.