Jimmy or Christian.... Decisions, Decisions.......

Well, the papers have been drawn up and they are being sent over to the court clerk tomorrow!  So, 60 days from tomorrow, I'll be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  Not that this so called,"marriage" has stopped me in anyway, but, at least I'll be free to go back to my maiden name, not feel like I'm carrying dead weight and not to mention, will bring home a couple extra hundred dollars a month by removing said dead weight from my health insurance!!! Yayyyyy!!!
I see a few more pairs of shoes in my near future.  Just think, if I save that extra money for 6 months, I can have the shoes I really, REALLY want................

Jimmy Choo's.... only $1995.00

or Christian Louboutin... only $895

 

 

 

Either way, I WIN!!!!!

 

                                                                                                                     

Dear "John" (some names have been changed to protect the guilty),

Dear John,
     Really? "Are you ok?" This text at 11:00 pm on a Friday night while I was out of town with my man? I'm confused.
     This wasn't an important question when I was home alone for weeks while you were off pursuing your dreams (and other women, apparently)? This wasn't important when I had surgery on my feet and couldn't even go to the bathroom without someone carrying me and you went out and "played" that VERY night while my BFF babysat me? (Though watching Xanadu while jacked up on Percocet was pretty funny!) What about when we were hours from home in a cabin and you left at midnight to "go visit a friend" in town? Or on New Year's Eve when I was home, again, with my BFF and her kids, while you were out playing and kissing other women at midnight? Really? The list goes on and on. Was I OK when I got phone calls and emails from other women telling me they were sorry because they had no idea you were married????
     So, to answer that text, YES, I AM OK!!!!  I am GREAT, actually!!! I have someone who doesn't lie, cheat, deliberately try to hurt me, make me feel worthless and squash my self-esteem. I have someone who appreciates me for ME!! A MAN who makes me feel wanted and loved and cared about. I don't have to wake up everyday thinking, "is this the day he moves out" or "I wonder if he loves me." What a refreshing change. I know that every morning when I wake up, he will be there for me. Even though he's not HERE here, I know that if I needed him, he would be here for me. I don't have to second guess anything he says or does. I don't have to walk on egg shells in fear of being talked to like a dog. I know that I'm not a safety net for him..... that he wants to be with me for all of the RIGHT reasons.
     So yeah, I'm OK!!!
    
    

What's In Your Drawers???

How many of you have gone into someones bathroom and opened the drawers or the medicine cabinet?
OK, now answer this......WHY?   J and I have been trying to figure out the obsession people have with this.  I am guilty, too.  Not everyone......  just ones that I'm curious about. I just want to see if we have the same taste in toiletries. I just wonder what kind of toilet paper do they wipe THEIR asses with, or, does she really NOT have crows feet because she uses THAT face cream? I guess it truly is an invasion of privacy, but, who cares.  It's not like I'm stealing the Charmin or using the face cream.
I'm trying to think of the nastiest things I've ever seen in drawers or cabinets..... jock straps, jock itch powder, hemorrhoid SUPPOSITORIES (why not just get the cream?? Like the back door action better??? ), nipple BUTTER (??? WTF is that, anyways?), and of course, the normal BS we all keep.
Is this just as intrusive as rifling through someones dresser drawers? What is the fascination?  Why do we feel the need to run the tap water while quietly opening the cabinets just to see if they use Charmin or Cottonelle? God forbid they have one of the doors that you have to slam shut...... or that has a tricky way of closing.  Is this really worth losing the trust of a friend?
Anyways, this is just one of those things we thought of that makes you go.... hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
 So,  if you have nasties in your bathroom and you know I'm coming over, either hide that shit or just know that you WILL be reading about it someday.  Hope I didn't offend anyone.

I'm Gonna Bust You in the M*****F***N Eye!!!

Ok, so that title is only going to be funny to one person.....  I wanted it to sound like it was going to be a mean, feisty blog, but..... not happening.
Someone please tell me WHY I cannot write a sarcastic, witty, rude blog anymore?  I honestly cannot find anything negative to blog about.  I mean, I could but, I don't feel like it.  I'm so happy, I've got sunshine pouring out my ass on any given day!! Apparently, all of my other blogs were written when I was either pissed off or ....well, just pissed off.  I think I was pissed off for the last four years to be honest.  Wow... wasn't that a great existence? Now, I'm just happy with my life and everything in it! I don't think I've been angry in a month.... I'm waking up early to have coffee with my man on the phone and ENJOYING the hell out of it!! I'm even enjoying my job..... which, if you've read my previous blogs, I used to loathe.  WTF?  Am I going to have to start an argument with Darren just so I can write a good, raunchy, mean blog?  Well, that's not gonna happen.  He's so sweet. I wouldn't do that to him.
Is this just a writer's block? I hope so.....   I enjoyed being rude once a week.  I so want to say something nasty about Taylor Swift at the CMA's or about Snooki and her big ass hair.  But nothing is coming out. I'm not even paying any attention to the news anymore.  I don't even know which stars have been showing their asses lately.  I don't want to be "drama"tized by all the negativity.  I just want to live in my happy, drama free, lie free, cheater free, world.  I've got a great man who has been my rock through this crap and I truly appreciate him.  I appreciate him so much, I watched the Cowboys get their asses handed to them on Monday night.  Me, football, COWBOYS??? Really? 
Ok, hopefully this is just a temporary block and I will continue my man-bashing, star cussing, rude writing, soon.
Actually, I did just think of a few things I'd like to say...... Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland looked like a frigin douche bag in that tutu on the CMA's tonight, CHEATERS NEVER WIN, AND WINNERS NEVER CHEAT (tee hee), and don't you think football player's pants are just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tight? Aerodynamics my ass!!! They wear those to draw in the female viewers. Eh, it works, I guess.
One more thing, Thursday, 11/11/2010 is Veterans Day. Don't forget ALL of the Veterans who have served our country and fought for our freedom!!

The Unexplainable

Sorry,  this is not going to be a funny, smart ass, raunchy post like most of them. I've had a lot of things go on in the last month that are unexplainable.  Coincidences? I don't think so. Fate? I believe so.
Let me just go waaaaaaaaaaay back.... about 27 years.
When I was about 13, I met Darren. He was beautiful!!! Brown eyes, brown hair, freckles...he was MY Darren! I would walk to the opposite end of the school just to get a quick look at him.  He played baseball and was the cutest boy I had ever seen in my life.  We didn't talk. We didn't hang around the same people. We never really knew each other.  Then..... he asked me to the dance. OK, since he was the first crush that I'd ever had, it's a given that I had never kissed a boy, let alone talked to one that made my knees shake! So, unfortunately, I declined and that pretty much ended any talking that we did. Though, I did continue to "pull a Rose", as he likes to say.  Watch "Two and a Half Men," you'll understand. I would go to his baseball games just to see him and watch him play, take the longest route to classes just to have a Darren sighting, whatever it took to just SEE him. This crush went on throughout high school and honestly, until this day.  I'd always think about him through the years..... just wondering where he was, what he looked like, was he married.... that kind of thing.  I looked for him online a few times but never found him. Plus, what if I did find him? What would I have done, said, "remember me, the chick that blew you off in 7th grade?" Right... like he would ever remember me.
So, about a month ago, I was in Savannah, GA on a long weekend with my now, soon to be ex-husband.  This trip was like a last ditch effort to save our marriage.  My STBX, (soon to be ex) had a problem with infidelity..... a LOT!!!  Our marriage was over years ago but I think both of us just continued to let it go to shit so we didn't have to face the end.  Stupid. While I was there, I got a friend request..... from Darren! Talk about shit your pants!!!! I couldn't believe it!! AND, he said that I looked great!!! OK, first off, those are not words I've heard in a very, very long time. Second, they were coming from MY Darren!!! I can't explain it but when I saw that friend request, the effort that I had put into saving my marriage changed directions.  Why? I wasn't looking for a man to replace my husband. I wasn't looking for an out. My knees started shaking again!  It was my Darren and that's all it took.  I knew from that day, that my marriage was officially over.

I have seen Darren a few times since we started talking. The first time I saw him, I thought I was in heaven! My Darren!!! My knees were knocking then, too! It was like we picked up where we left off. Which, we didn't leave off from anywhere, so, explain that!!  From the first night we talked on the phone, it hasn't ended. We talk constantly. We wake up and have coffee together in the morning via phone, on breaks, in the bubble tub, in bed (get your minds out of the gutter!)! I get him..... and he gets me. We have so much in common. We laugh constantly and he is the SOLE reason for this big ass grin on my face 24/7!! He's made me feel like I've never felt before. He makes me feel special and wanted. He's sweet, honest, sincere, hard working..... he's the best!!! I can be ME around him and he doesn't judge me.  He is my Darren and I wouldn't want him any other way!! I think we both have had to walk down a crappy path just to get here, where we are now!! I miss him when he's not on the phone.... I miss him when I have to leave him... I've got it BAAAAAD!!!! And, I'm pretty sure he does, too! How many men, who are TRUE NY Yankees fans, miss a playoff game, actually, two playoff games, to talk on the phone? And refuse to hang up to go watch it? Or miss their Sunday afternoon ritual of watching the Cowboys play?? If that isn't a sign, honey, I don't know what is.  I told you he's the best!!!!  FATE!!! It's got to be!!!

When I went to my nieces baby shower a few weekends ago  I was on the plane sitting next to two ladies who saw me writing. Just so happened that both of them are published authors. And when they heard OUR story, they demanded that I write a book about this because this is a story that you only read about in books.  Fiction books. This kind of stuff  rarely happens in real life.  They were going crazy over this and offered to help me in anyway possible. When I was getting off the plane, they said, "see you on the NY time bestseller list, Kerri!" LOL!! Coincidence that we were on the plane together? I think not. Coincidence that Darren came into the picture at this time in my life? I think not. Destiny? Fate? Ummmm, yeah!!! I believe this was supposed to happen NOW as opposed to back in 7th grade when we were both young and silly.  My best friend from high school, Kim, found me on face book last year.  She and I hadn't spoken in about 22 years. The day I left GA from going to see Darren for the first time, I called her first and I asked her if she remembered who my first crush in high school was. She said, "yeah, Darren O'Dette, why?"  Then I heard , " awwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....it's just meant to be!" She and I are now back in contact, Darren and I are in contact and life is frigin GREAT!!!!! I couldn't have asked for a better man to walk into my life or a better friend to reconnect with!
So, I just wanted to let y'all know why I am so happy all the time now! I wanted to tell you all about MY DARREN and how special and awesome he is!!!! Oh, and take it from me, ANYTHING is possible!!!! You CAN be happy!!! And no giving me shit on writing such a mushy blog!!! I'm happy and I wanted everyone to know it!! I'll resume normal bitching, sarcastic, rude blogging tomorrow!!!

MY DARREN THEN......

Me AND MY DARREN, NOW!!!!

 

Go home with a 10..... wake up with a 2!!!

So, J and I were talking today and got on the subject of the dating scene and how bad it really can be!!! I mean, there are so many infomercials out there now at 4 am (J... take an Ambien already!)You can basically watch infomercials from 12a-4a, order the shit, and in 7-10 business days, (unless you pay high $$ and get that express delivery) you can reinvent your ass... just like that!! Poof!!! You're a ten!!
Check this out......
You don't like the shade of brown that your eyes are?? Well, never fear!! Colored contacts are here! That's right!! Now you can have those sparkling, waters of the Bahama's colored eyes!~Just $19.99 with shipping and handling.
How about your hair? Not long enough for you? Want your man to feel your long locks on his tight ass abs? Well, just snap in your new long, silky weave and go to town!!!!
Don't like to think about what your man is seeing when you lean over in front of him? Well give those girls a lift with the chicken cutlets!! They'll stand at attention for hours!!
Now if you don't have enough junk in your trunk, you should really invest in the ass pads! Spanx with an ass..... who'd a thunk it????
Yes, those are all wonderful things..... but two things here: a- that "as seen on TV" shit usually never works the way they show it on TV and b- what is your man gonna think when he goes into the bathroom and sees two eyes, two chicken cutlets, a lock of hair and an ass sitting on the sink??? He's gonna think you just performed an exorcism and get the hell out of there!!!
What next??????? These poor guys will truly never know exactly what they're getting until it's all over and the damage is done!!!! Scarring them for life!!! I bet they will never order chicken again!!!