Free Fallin'

Last night while I was packing up my bedroom, I was going through old pictures, cards, yearbooks.... getting side tracked and sentimental way too easily. Plus listening to my 80's classic rock station on Slacker Radio wasn't helping, either. But, it totally made me think about how carefree and easy my life was in my teens. I did everything I wasn't supposed to because I wanted to know WHY I wasn't supposed to! I just didn't except NO for any answer.  I know I put my parents through hell, but, to be honest with you, I think it totally made me who I am today. My mom has always said, she knows no matter what situation I get into, that I'll always get out of it. I've never been one to just sit back and take what lies in front of me. If there is something that I want, I go for it!  My son didn't get everything he always wanted, but, if there was something he did want, I did what I had to do to get it for him.
So, while I was packing, of course I was thinking about the what if's.... "what if" Darren thinks I snore too loud? or, "what if" nobody there "gets" me and I have no friends? You know, that nervous worrying that happens when you are about to change your life? But then, I had the TOM CRUISE A-HA MOMENT!! No, I didn't jump up and down on
the bed and profess my love for Kate...... I had THAT moment... when Tom Petty came on the radio singing Free Falling... it hit me!! I was getting ready to take that jump into my new life! This is going to be exciting! Life is supposed to be about changes and being happy and living for the moment! Right? (damn, I sound like a frigin cheerleader!) Yes, things are going to be a little stressful until I'm actually there, but, I am soooooooooooo looking forward to the changes.  I'm such a creature of habit... this will be good for me! My son is moving to Florida, which, it makes me sad and every time I think about it, it makes me think of him growing up. Little league games, putting his dirty feet all over the walls, watching his eyes light up when I brought home a happy meal, first day of school...... ugggh. I want him to go and be like I was. I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy.  It's still sad, though.This is exactly what I needed. I've been in Nashville for 14 years. Don't get me wrong, I like Nashville and I've made a lot of great friends. I will miss them all very much because each one has brought something into my life. But it's time to move on and live for me. I have been so butt puckered over the last several years.... worrying about my job, my house, getting my son through high school and then college.... I just need to UN pucker and LIVE! Now, if I can just do this and stop worrying about every little thing, I should be one happy camper!!
Oh, and a side note, I have the EXACT same glasses as Tom Petty is wearing! Sorry Darren! They are timeless! Yep, I'm stuck in the 80's but hey, that's just who I am!!

Don't Make Me Cry on My Sticky Fingers

I am an emotional wreck right now...... OMG...... my life as I know it and have lived it for the last 15 plus years is about to change drastically. For those who don't know me, I moved to Nashville 15 years ago. I'm originally from Watertown, NY. So that in itself was a HUGE change. Now, I'm experiencing the almost empty nest syndrome, moving to a new state, making new friends, hoping to keep my job, feeling out of place, state of mind. I am in a constant state of panic, fear, sadness and stress. I'm always nauseous.... I can't help it. I feel like that dude on the cartoon who always said, "which way did he go, which way did he go!" I can't think straight. I'm always second guessing everything I do. Ugghh.... I feel like I just need a constant wine drip to exist right now.
I went to GA over the weekend to see D and to look for a place to live. I was fine.... until I got there. Then it hit me. Panic... fear....OMG... I try not to let D know that I feel this way because I don't want HIM panicking, etc.... I had an emotional meltdown while I was there.I just got so overwhelmed that I just literally shut down. I couldn't and didn't even want to think about finding a new place to live. So much shit ran through my mind. The reality that I would not be near my son (we've been together since he was born....23 years ago!), the fact that I'm going to be giving up my mini-mansion with it's beautiful bubbletub, not seeing my bunnies everyday, knowing that my job is 11 miles away, sliding down the driveway in my basket, Sonic just around the corner.... then, the thought of being here alone, not with my D, made me so sad. I'm just a hot mess, I tell ya. I literally just shut down and went and got into the bed (at 3:00 in the afternoon) and cried myself to sleep. Why is this happening? Shouldn't I be thrilled? Shouldn't I be excited to start this new chapter? Poor Darren, he has listened to me flip flop my decisions back and forth so much he doesn't know if he's dating me or six different versions of me. He never knows who he's gonna get when he calls me. Calm Kerri. Sad Kerri. Whacko Kerri. Damn..... It got so bad that HE suggested I go have a glass of wine (he no longer drinks.....). If you know Darren, then you know I must have been WAY out there for him to suggest this. We went to Sticky Fingers for dinner over the weekend and I swear, it took everything I had not to cry onto my Memphis rubbed ribs..... I'm such a wiener.
So, anyone... HELP!!! How do I get the fuck out of this FUNK??? I am a creature of habit and change does NOT suit me well. Never has. Seriously, I'm afraid I'm going to literally have a stroke. Plus, I'm doing a LOT of emotional eating and THAT'S not helping me, either. Speaking of emotional eating, we are having a SNACK DAY at work for a lead who is leaving. I'm not emotional over that! I don't wanna snack. Why do I have to bring something in? Women walking around all day fillin' up their plates with cookies, sausage balls, bread, and whatever other shit they can eat....ALL DAY!! I HATE BEING BACK AT THE OFFICE!!!! I can't stand people talking to me. Constantly. I thought the newness of me being back at the office would wear off after a day or two. NOPE. A month later and people are still stopping by my desk shooting the shit. Look people.... I get here at 6am, LONG before any of your asses, put my headphones on, rock out to 80's music ALL. DAY. LONG. When you stop by, you are disturbing me. I don't tell you this because, well, I don't want to see you cry. But seriously, YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I don't NEED anymore friends!!! UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... ok, I'm gonna get out of this tub and go eat some ice cream, curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Good night. Peace out.