If you know me, you know I've been working from home for the last year and a half. I was called back to work at the office two weeks ago. And I've got to tell you, IT'S CONSTIPATING ME!!!!!! No, REALLY!!!!
I'm one of those pooh-shy people.... you know, the one's who can't go at a rest area, restaurant, gas station, relatives house, etc.... It's like I get toilet shy. I don't know why. I just do. Honestly, this is like the worst thing about being back at the office.
I'm dealing with the fifty different smells coming from the kitchen at lunch time. I mean, no matter what anyone cooks, the shit always smells like re fried beans to me. Gross!!!! I bring everything I need with me in my lunch bag. There is NEVER a need for me to go into that nasty kitchen! I mean, why would you want to warm up your lunch in a microwave where every one's blown up shit, is hanging from the top of the microwave because they didn't cover their dish? Really, warm up a cup of coffee with a big pasta sauce loogie hanging over it, just waiting for the opportune time to fall into YOUR coffee....... disgusting! People are nasty. But again, I'm tolerating that.
But (no pun intended here), I have not and don't believe I will ever be able to stand the restrooms or the nasty ass shit that is in there. First off, I'm the one you hear two stalls down that sounds like they're in a wrestling match with a roll of wax paper! Yes, I LAYER the seat with the complimentary seat covers. And I'm obviously the ONLY one that uses them!!! I will only do this if it's an emergency pee situation! I cannot stand having to tinkle in a room with 8 other people!! It's disgusting! Again, it has to be a life or pee-your-pants situation for me to even enter the poo-troth!
My problem is this..... I come home on Fridays, bloated, stomach as hard as a brick and literally full of SHIT!!! I cannot seem to overcome my fear of public-poohing! I try, but, as soon as I think it's possible, I freeze! Someone walks in and totally messes up my momentum. Then I spend the next three minutes checking out their nasty ass, un-painted, cuticle covered toenails while they just pooh like it's no big deal!!! Farting, grunting....... What??? How can this not bother people?? Seriously, I've been with D for almost a year and there is no WAY I'd pooh in front of him!! I freak out if he walks in twenty minutes after the fact!!! He probably wonders why there is an overwhelming smell of Clorox, hairspray, Axe and perfume coming from the bathroom! I just can't do it..... When I was working from home, I had a routine. No problems what.so.ever.
So, this past Friday, when I got home, I was in agony! I felt like I would have sunk to the ocean floor if someone threw me out of a boat! I was in soooooo much pain. So, I bought me some WOMEN'S gentle, yet effective overnight relief laxatives. I figured, heck, what could it hurt? I take my little pink "wonder pill", went to bed with the thoughts of sleeping in, being lazy.... ahhh..... UGGGHHHHHH..... 4 am....A.M.... Saturday morning, my "gentle yet effective" relief was kicking in. I thought I was having a bad dream.... that I was having labor pains!!! That shit HURT!!!! Who invented the laxative??? A 500 pound man, obviously!!! This was the worst pain EVER!!!!!!! I will NOT be taking those again!! WOW! So, here it is, Monday, day one of the week long POOH-STRIKE. I hate the office...........
My blogs are about whatever is ticking me off or interesting me at that moment. Usually all my posts are written from the bathtub, since THIS is where I do my best thinking!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Well Aint That Just Frigin Peachy?????
Things that make me happy.... right now.....
The collectible Smurfs at McDonald's, 10 cents off a gallon of gas by buying my groceries at Kroger, Darren's soft skin, this ginormous salad from Chick-Fil-A that I'm eating in the tub, that' I'm finally growing balls and getting ready to tell some fair weather friends to fuck off, Nikki Sixx "Sixx Sense" CD (thanks Dustin!), the big chocolate Frosty sitting in the freezer waiting for me, I have a job, my son is a computer geek and his friends come and stay with us and they look at my computer..... for free :-), because they enjoy it (and they are great kids, too), my bubble tub, Meet the Kardashian's on TV, this olive oil based hair mask that's been on my head for almost an hour, getting a coupon in the mail for a box of free hair coloring from Garnier, that my muffin top is slowly deflating (thanks to the 350 crunches everyday),Foldger's Black Silk coffee in the morning while I Skype my man, my memory foam pillow I can't wait to lay my head on later, my comfy sheets, and my big ole' glass of unsweet tea!
The reason I posted all of the things I like right now is because I didn't want to start it off ranting and raving!!! Like this:
I absolutely fucking hate fair weather friends!! If you're my friend, then you're my friend. Period! Not when it's convenient for you, not when I'm doing the things you want me to do or what you like.... but ALL the time!!! Fuck that!!! Over it!! NEXT!!! I hate that my sunflower seeds keep falling off of the fork into my frigin tub, my computers', yes, both of them, are broken, the fact that the company I currently work for did not even bother to give me an interview for a job that I applied for (they gave it to another employee before the job posting was even over!! Assholes!), getting home with above said big ole' glass of unsweet tea only to realize, IT'S SWEETENED!!! Morons! I hate that some people are soooooo judgemental, arrogant, ungrateful, lazy, lying mother F'ers and are treated like some kind of royalty! WTF?? I hate when a relative TRIES to make you feel guilty..... I don't feel guilty about ANYTHING I'm getting ready to do, mind you, it just PISSES me off that people just don't know how to say, "Good for you!" or "How exciting!"...... buzz kills. I'm pissed off that every single pair of pants that I buy for work has to be hemmed because I'm vertically challenged! So, the pants I got on sale for $20 just turned into a $50 pair of pants. $11 to hem, and $10 a leg to taper (can't stand the bell bottom look.... ewwwww!) Why couldn't I have grown just another inch or two???? WHYYYYYYYY???????? I hate the fact that I have to get up and SKYPE my man instead of being there next to him having coffee.
I've had a shit'tastic day today. If it could go wrong, it did. I always seem to be one up on life and then boom, I'm one step back. Grrrrrrrr..... So, I'm going to fish the sunflower seeds outta this tub, rinse my hair mask that is probably like plaster to my head now, go eat my big ass frosty, screw the crunches tonight, and watch some shit TV! So I can wake up bright and early and go slave at my job for the jackasses that wouldn't even get me a frigin' interview!!!! FML!!!!!!
That is all........
The collectible Smurfs at McDonald's, 10 cents off a gallon of gas by buying my groceries at Kroger, Darren's soft skin, this ginormous salad from Chick-Fil-A that I'm eating in the tub, that' I'm finally growing balls and getting ready to tell some fair weather friends to fuck off, Nikki Sixx "Sixx Sense" CD (thanks Dustin!), the big chocolate Frosty sitting in the freezer waiting for me, I have a job, my son is a computer geek and his friends come and stay with us and they look at my computer..... for free :-), because they enjoy it (and they are great kids, too), my bubble tub, Meet the Kardashian's on TV, this olive oil based hair mask that's been on my head for almost an hour, getting a coupon in the mail for a box of free hair coloring from Garnier, that my muffin top is slowly deflating (thanks to the 350 crunches everyday),Foldger's Black Silk coffee in the morning while I Skype my man, my memory foam pillow I can't wait to lay my head on later, my comfy sheets, and my big ole' glass of unsweet tea!
The reason I posted all of the things I like right now is because I didn't want to start it off ranting and raving!!! Like this:
I absolutely fucking hate fair weather friends!! If you're my friend, then you're my friend. Period! Not when it's convenient for you, not when I'm doing the things you want me to do or what you like.... but ALL the time!!! Fuck that!!! Over it!! NEXT!!! I hate that my sunflower seeds keep falling off of the fork into my frigin tub, my computers', yes, both of them, are broken, the fact that the company I currently work for did not even bother to give me an interview for a job that I applied for (they gave it to another employee before the job posting was even over!! Assholes!), getting home with above said big ole' glass of unsweet tea only to realize, IT'S SWEETENED!!! Morons! I hate that some people are soooooo judgemental, arrogant, ungrateful, lazy, lying mother F'ers and are treated like some kind of royalty! WTF?? I hate when a relative TRIES to make you feel guilty..... I don't feel guilty about ANYTHING I'm getting ready to do, mind you, it just PISSES me off that people just don't know how to say, "Good for you!" or "How exciting!"...... buzz kills. I'm pissed off that every single pair of pants that I buy for work has to be hemmed because I'm vertically challenged! So, the pants I got on sale for $20 just turned into a $50 pair of pants. $11 to hem, and $10 a leg to taper (can't stand the bell bottom look.... ewwwww!) Why couldn't I have grown just another inch or two???? WHYYYYYYYY???????? I hate the fact that I have to get up and SKYPE my man instead of being there next to him having coffee.
I've had a shit'tastic day today. If it could go wrong, it did. I always seem to be one up on life and then boom, I'm one step back. Grrrrrrrr..... So, I'm going to fish the sunflower seeds outta this tub, rinse my hair mask that is probably like plaster to my head now, go eat my big ass frosty, screw the crunches tonight, and watch some shit TV! So I can wake up bright and early and go slave at my job for the jackasses that wouldn't even get me a frigin' interview!!!! FML!!!!!!
That is all........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)