My blogs are about whatever is ticking me off or interesting me at that moment. Usually all my posts are written from the bathtub, since THIS is where I do my best thinking!
Well, 2010 is almost over...... and I am soooooooooooooo thankful to see it go. This has been a roller coaster of a year. Good times, bad times (a LOT more bad than good, I might add ), miserable times. I'm ready to start 2011! My divorce will be final in another 30 days or so, I'll be going back to the office to work (my decision.... I'm bored and lonely), I'm going to get back into my writing and this year one of my books will be completed and published! It's time to get serious, worry about ME and MY future and how I'm going to take care of ME...... instead of trying to make other people happy and giving up myself to do it. I did that for way too long and it's time to stop.
I've decided that 2011 is the "Year of Kerri!" I'm going to do things FOR me, the way I want to do them, WHEN I want to do them. "Oh, I feel like taking off and going to Mexico for the weekend!...... buh-bye!" Or, "Ya know, I don't feel like going and watching a live band........ I'm going to stay home and drink wine and eat chocolate. Why? Because I can!" Yep, I feel less stressed just thinking about the New Year! I'm not going to feel guilty about going to Barnes and Noble every Friday night and hanging out with my fellow nerds, enjoying huge cups of coffee, reading magazines and researching. THAT'S what I like so THAT'S what I'm going to do!!!! I think J and I will finally hit Sips and Strokes and do a LOT more vintage clothes shopping.
I am very lucky to have a son who is caring, considerate and kind. I plan on spending more time with him this year as well. I miss my friends and plan on making more time for them, too. Missy.... Jody..... we WILL be going to a Cubs game this year!! Maybe two!!! I WILL make it to Chicago this year!!! I also want to go back to Watertown, NY.... where I grew up. I miss it. I can do ALL of these things now without worrying that I'm going to hurt someones feelings or piss someone off!
I spent the first 40 years of my life taking care of other people and putting what I wanted on the back burner. Not anymore. The next 40 are MINE!!!!
What an exciting day!!! My good friend J brought me my Christmas present today and it was AWWWEEESOOMMME!!! Tools!!! My OWN tools!!! A screwdriver set, TWO tape measures and a very cool, Edward Scissor hands meets Swiss Army knife kinda thing!!! It's got a knife, screwdrivers, bottle opener, a nail file, pliers and some other cute little gadgets on it!! And, it has skulls on the handles!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
My home was recently "ransacked" (not really, I like to add a little drama to the obvious) and I was left without any tools. Not even a hammer!! I did get one huge screw driver, which, if you turn it around, makes a fine hammer.
I was so excited, I took my fan apart and cleaned it!! I have become a "home-repair-person," per my friend Greg. See, I had a little issue this evening that unfortunately, my tools could not repair. My outlets in the bathroom stopped working. Ummmmm, not cool at all!! I went outside and looked in the box and the fuse things looked normal..... I mean, I wouldn't have known what I was even looking for to be quite honest. But, with Greg's help, I tracked down the culprit to my son's outlet in his bathroom. So, all is good and I can straighten my hair in front of the mirror now. It was an easy fix.... push a button... reset.... fixed. But I feel like I just rewired the entire house blindfolded while sipping wine. I feel like....well, probably what a man feels like when he fixes something minor like that! LIKE DA-MAN!!!! LOL!!!
I've never repaired anything like that, especially via text. I feel so high tech now! And those GFI things.... should be called WTF's!!! Why would it just pop out and throw off every outlet? Guess that's why I'm not an electrician.
So now, I'm prepared to fix anything!!!! Well, as long as it only requires being screwed, filed, opened or sawed (yes, it has a small saw on it!). Still, I feel like I've just became a woMAN!! Grrrrr......
I feel like I need to go walk around Lowe's now and stand in every isle, looking at shit I don't need and have no clue what it's for. I feel like Tim Taylor from Home Improvement!!!
So, that was my exciting evening!! Now, I'm off to find something else that needs fixing!!!
OK, I know Christmas is just next week but I am just not in the Christmas spirit. I'm almost sure you have all figured out that I am going through a divorce. Just let me make this clear so there is no confusion or wild story telling...I AM NOT SAD ABOUT MY DIVORCE!!! I AM THRILLLLLED!!!!! Now that THAT is out of the way......
First, I just want to say that, I think Christmas has been totally commercialized over the last 25 years and it makes me ill. Yes, I think it's great for children!! Adults?? Really?? You've made a list? Well isn't that just eff'ing fantabulous! How about this....... instead of saying, "I WANT this or that," think about those who are a lot less fortunate. You want a pair of Jimmy Choo's??? Well, shit, so do I!!! But you don't see me ASKING anyone for them!!! If I want them, I'll buy them myself. Why take out a second mortgage to buy expensive shoes, purses, jewelry, cars, electronics.......? What is the purpose? To have one day out of the year where you feel like you're rich? That is so ignorant. And I also feel that you shouldn't HAVE to buy anyone a gift. I mean, if you really feel like buying someone a gift, be practical. But you shouldn't feel like you HAVE to buy anyone ANYTHING. Why would I buy some douche bag I don't like, a present??? Ummm, NO! I like to do NEED shopping. If I know you NEED something, I'd be more apt to buy that than something you MAY or MAY NOT use. My family did a name draw this year. One gift.... that's all I have to buy. Instead of one gift for every member of my family. Would I like to buy them all a gift? Sure I would. Am I going to let my electricity get turned off to do so? HELLLLLLLLLL NO!!!!! Anyways, enough of that. Let me get to why I really wanted to blog....
So, I've been sitting here over the last two months noticing stuff that "disappeared" without my knowing. And, it's not until I needed that item, did I notice it was gone. Obviously I noticed the TV and the boat.... but now I'm noticing odd stuff.... like the nice lamp I bought for MY desk. Hmmmm.... missing. MY WINTER CLOTHES....... missing..... just stuff like that. I've tried not to get pissed and just look at the source of it's disappearance. SCREW THAT!!! WTF??? MY winter clothes???? Really? It wasn't enough to pussy out while I was on vacation and go through every inch of this house and take what you wanted?? But MY clothes? Something I wasn't aware of there???????? hmmmmmm......
I've heard through the grapevine that new cars are being bought, trips are being taken...... and I sit here and wonder.... HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN???? Now, I'm not jealous, mind you. I'm not the one who will have to pay for the vehicle. I live within my means. This is why I don't have to run out and find a sugar daddy to hook up with to pay my bills, house my ass, and stroke my tiny....... EGO..... I take care of myself. It just pisses me off that I gave, gave, GAVE and he took, took, TOOK!!! I know karma is a bitch and she'll rear her ugly head eventually. Not on me..... that's for sure. I know that I am sooooooo much better off!!! It still just pisses me off that someone took advantage of me. It pisses me off even more that I let him!!! Sorry, I just needed to vent. I just get pissed when I have to go buy myself something long sleeved so I can stay warm because someone thought they needed my clothes more than I did. Oh, and BTW, you need to go to the PLUS SIZE section.... my clothes are from the JUNIORS section!! Just sayin!!!
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
Ahhhhh, those famous words of Clark W. Griswold!!!!
That ENTIRE movie was hilarious!!! Thanks to Jody, I feel the need to quote all of the funny parts!!
Here's more quotes!!! If this shit doesn't make you laugh, then you have bigger issues than I do!!
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things. Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess. Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah. Clark: How'd you get through it? Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels. (this reminds me of my friends!!! )
[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet] Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.
[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear] Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? Clark: Bend over and I'll show you. Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold. Clark: I wasn't talking to you.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo! Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*? Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d!@kless, hopeless, heartless, fat-@ss, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s@!t he is. Hallelujah. Holy s@!t. Where's the Tylenol?" - Clark Griswold
Picked up a copy of US weekly yesterday, and who's on the cover? The person I love to hate most.... yup, Taylor Swift. I can't place my finger on why I don't care much for her. It may be that mousy looking face, her wretched voice, her jacked up hair, ..... not sure, I guess it's all of the above, and the fact that money CAN buy you a record deal. Sorry...... the girl can't sing. Period. Listen to her live....... actually, don't. It's not good.
Anyways, she is on the cover with..... JAKE GYLLENHAAL!!! WTF??? Are you serious? Is he really getting that desperate? She's a child for shits sake!!! She just graduated high school while he was wooing Reese Witherspoon!!! She writes/sings about BOYS.... not men.... BOYS!! And why, pray tell, is she writing about boys?? BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL!! She's not a woman. She's in that awkward in-between stage. He is a full grown man. He is HOT! She is NOT! He is an A lister. She is.... WTF is she?? Talented.... um, maybe a tiny, little bit. But really Jake?? Taylor?? You went from Reese to her?? That's really just scraping the barrel for a woman. How sad.
I really like Jake. Brokeback Mountain?? Hello!! Not many actors could have done that movie and made it what it became. NO GUYS.... it's not a gay porno. It's a gay love story and it was AWESOME!!!!
So J and I sat here today thinking about what THEIR name would be.... you know Brad and Angelina= Brangelina......? We cam up with Jift, Jaylor (I liked the JaILor version, better) Jaytay, Gyllenswift, ..... See, their combined names even suck. Jake must feel like a real man now. He won the heart of a tween who was dumped by a JONAS BROTHER!!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
I don't know..... I'm just tired of seeing her mousy ass all over my WOMEN'S magazines. Can't she just stay on the cover of Tiger Beat and Seventeen for a few more years???
Well, that was my rant. I feel better.
I love freedom of speech! It lets me vent!!
J and I were at the mall last night, window shopping for shoes and unfortunately, had a run in with an uncircumcised boot. You've seen them, haven't you? Apparently it's all the latest rage, since I was about run down by a pack of teens trying on these things. They were doing the side look in the mirror, "oh look how great I look with the foreskin still on this boot, " while J and I laughed until we cried! And J thought the shooties I wanted were ugly???? These boots were atrocious!!! Well here, see for yourself...... Yeah.... not my thing. Now, on the other hand (no pun intended), you have the fingerless gloves that J is now sporting, and yes, now that she mentioned it, she DID look like a bag lady last night.... minus the cart and bags and hacking cough. I prefer the totally open ended gitten (glove/mitten) . I smoke, so I need all my fingers free to rummage around in the bottomless purse pit looking for smokes, gum, chap stick, and of course, the iPhone.
We did notice a trend starting up again. Legwarmers!!! Hey, we know you ALL did it!! I believe I owned a few pairs... a pair of rainbow striped ones (I had no idea what that meant back then.....) and some other cutesy pair. But, I put them away back in the 80's, hoping to never see their return. Guess what.... they're back. Seriously doubt you'll ever see me in those again. It's funny how all of these things are making a comeback. I'll be really stoked when that whole early Madonna thing comes back, though. Wearing 50 rubber bracelets (in those crazy fluorescent colors), lace gloves, big ass cross necklaces, heels, cute skirts with leggings, messy hair..... yeah buddy!! But leg warmers..... nah..... let em' go girls. They really weren't cute then and they sure the hell aren't now, either!!!
Oh, and lets not forget Samantha Fox....... Love the mullet and the use of denim. I love denim but that is wayyyyy too much!!! Let's leave that in the past, too. Well, I'm off to my attic to see what 80's crap I have left. I'm hoping my collection of 800 rubber bracelets, RATT t-shirt, funky ass heels and my Smurf collection are all up there.
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic-y...... think I'll turn on some RATT and Billy Idol, throw on some legwarmers and drink some Boones Farm. Hopefully I won't have to run from the law tonight! Sorry.. deja-vu!!!!
