Pooh, Pooh, Pee, Doo!!!

If you know me, you know I've been working from home for the last year and a half. I was called back to work at the office two weeks ago. And I've got to tell you, IT'S CONSTIPATING ME!!!!!! No, REALLY!!!!
I'm one of those pooh-shy people.... you know, the one's who can't  go at a rest area, restaurant, gas station, relatives house, etc....  It's like I  get toilet shy.  I don't know why.  I just do.  Honestly, this is like the worst thing about being back at the office.
I'm dealing with the fifty different smells coming from the kitchen at lunch time. I mean, no matter what anyone cooks, the shit always smells like re fried beans to me.  Gross!!!! I bring everything I need with me in my lunch bag.  There is NEVER a need for me to go into that nasty kitchen! I mean, why would you want to warm up your lunch in a microwave where every one's blown up shit, is hanging from the top of the microwave because they didn't cover their dish? Really, warm up a cup of coffee with a big pasta sauce loogie hanging over it, just waiting for the opportune time to fall into YOUR coffee....... disgusting! People are nasty.  But again, I'm tolerating that.
But (no pun intended here), I have not and don't believe I will ever be able to stand the restrooms or the nasty ass shit that is in there.  First off, I'm the one you hear two stalls down that sounds like they're in a wrestling match with a roll of wax paper! Yes, I LAYER the seat with the complimentary seat covers. And I'm obviously the ONLY one that uses them!!! I will only do this if it's an emergency pee situation! I cannot stand having to tinkle in a room with 8 other people!! It's disgusting! Again, it has to be a life or pee-your-pants situation for me to even enter the poo-troth!
My problem is this..... I come home on Fridays, bloated, stomach as hard as a brick and literally full of SHIT!!! I cannot seem to overcome my fear of public-poohing! I try, but, as soon as I think it's possible, I freeze! Someone walks in and totally messes up my momentum. Then I spend the next three minutes checking out their nasty ass, un-painted, cuticle covered toenails while they just pooh like it's no big deal!!! Farting, grunting....... What???   How can this not bother people?? Seriously, I've been with D for almost a year and there is no WAY I'd pooh in front of him!! I freak out if he walks in twenty minutes after the fact!!! He probably wonders why there is an overwhelming smell of Clorox, hairspray, Axe and perfume coming from the bathroom! I just can't do it..... When I was working from home, I had a routine.  No problems what.so.ever.
So, this past Friday, when I got home, I was in agony! I felt like I would have sunk to the ocean floor if someone threw me out of a boat! I was in soooooo much pain.  So, I bought me some WOMEN'S gentle, yet effective overnight relief laxatives.  I figured, heck, what could it hurt? I take my little pink "wonder pill", went to bed with the thoughts of sleeping in, being lazy.... ahhh..... UGGGHHHHHH..... 4 am....A.M.... Saturday morning, my "gentle yet effective" relief was kicking in.  I thought I was having a bad dream.... that I was having labor pains!!! That shit HURT!!!! Who invented the laxative??? A 500 pound man, obviously!!! This was the worst pain EVER!!!!!!! I will NOT be taking those again!! WOW! So, here it is, Monday,  day one of the week long  POOH-STRIKE. I hate the office...........