I Am No Evil Cave Dweller

Well, I'm sitting in the retired Bitch Cave, watching the beautiful sun set, listening to a little Sir Paul, the raspy Mr. Stewart and a bevy of other classics, remembering some pretty fun nights spent in here.   I'm having a very strange day.  Sad, lonely, excited, scared..... you name it, I'm IT!! The empty nest syndrome has hit HARD this week. It's hard to even look at my son without getting the big lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes.  That's my BABY!! See, I'm choking them back now, as I type this.
I have never been away from him for more than 2 weeks....  he's 23. I know, I know.... cut the apron strings. I'm trying.  It's just very hard.  We've been through EVERYTHING together! I try not to let him see me getting emotional, but shit, I'm emotional 24/7. He probably thinks I'm drunk or phycho....  uggghhh....
Not only am I feeling that, I'm getting scared.  What if nobody likes me.... or GETS me. Will people understand me? Will they see that behind the cardigans, half-mittens and furry boots that I'm just a normal person? Will they appreciate my love for old, classic, TIMELESS music? Will they get my strange sense of humor?  What if my only friends are Darren and the one lady at the complex who reminds me of Magda, on Something About Mary? What if nobody likes me????? I'm scared and excited at the same time.  What will people think when I tell them me and my best friend J spent many a Friday nights drinking Merlot, teasing our hair like Snooki, or doing paraffin wax facials or watching Xanadu while doped up on percocet (hey, I had foot surgery and they were totally prescribed to me)? Will they be all jealous and secretly wish WE would do those things or will they avoid me every time they see me because they think I'm some freak??
I just try to imagine that I'm sitting in the pool, enjoying the hot GA sun, drinking a fun, fruity drink, writing my memoir and everyone is totally interested in what I'm doing and who I am! I just hope it doesn't go the opposite way and people think I'm some old, bat shit crazy, stuck in the 80's lady! Look, there is nothing wrong with secretly wishing that the original Journey featuring Steve Perry will get back together and do a 27 city southeast tour.  It could happen!! Shit, Van Halen is back together with Wolfie on guitar, so, don't pooh pooh on my dream!!!
I'll be working from home so you know people will be wondering why in the hell I only come out at night! They'll think I'm some loony fruitcake who is afraid of sunlight and can only afford half-mittens, who drinks wine out of a glass that looks like a Goblet stolen from a renaissance festival or  medieval  times (hey, J and I drink are not the most graceful wine drinkers and those thin ass glasses are not NERD friendly! I broke one putting it IN the dishwasher....and the Dollar Tree had the goblets on clearance, 2/$1.00 after Christmas last year... shut up.). Uggghhh....  this should be interesting.
I will miss Tennessee and some of the wonderful things here.....  the 4 seasons, even though it goes from summer to winter like, overnight, the beautiful sunsets, the feel of small town in a big city, the people I've met over the last 15 years, sitting in the cave listening to the high school band playing at the football games (like they're doing now), Jack's BBQ, Famous Chinese, the fact I can say "reckon" and nobody bats an eye, the opportunities that were given to me by the police department I worked for (crime scene tech?? I lose my car EVERY time I come out of the grocery store and they let me look for clues to crimes?? silly people.), the awesome fishing, my snow every year, even though it was only a few inches a year, meeting many country music artists, going to major award shows, sitting backstage at the Grand Ole Opry with Little Jimmy Dickens trying to get me into his dressing room.......  lots of good memories.  But, memories are just that.  I have to go make new ones and move on with my life.  It's time and I know it is.  Doesn't mean I'm going gracefully, quietly or sanely.  So, if you call or come by in the next two weeks and I have an emotional meltdown, I apologize now.
On that note, I'm going to go fill the goblet, run the tub, pour the bubbles and put on a face mask that's supposed to help your face look not-so-stressed.   just wanted to add a few photos of some friends and things that have made me laugh, cry or cringe this week.  Peace out, y'all!

 

And here's a video containing photos of the majority of my friends and Mitchell Oglesby singing. Spent many a night listening to this song and passing that damn tip jug, right Tina?? LOL! Good times!!

This is the Country Music You've Been Waiting For! Real Country!

Well, I'm finally able to speak about what my good buddy J and her husband, Tim Culpepper, have been up to! Tim has been working on his video for his song, "Ghost!"  If you love Keith Whitley, you'll definitely love Tim!! This is the country music that I want back on the radio!!! Good-bye Taylor Swift and Hootie, err, whatever his name is, HELLO COUNTRY!!!  (This is the ONLY country music I have listened to in over a year!! Just sayin!) The video was filmed in Franklin, KY at Octagon Hall, one of the most haunted houses in the country!!  The zombie dancers were headed up by my good friend, Tina Gibson! Jeanette was responsible for constructing the sets and everything else she did! I didn't see her for two months!!! So, congrats to everyone!! Video turned out great!!!

Ho! Ho! Hope the Apartment is Big Enough!!

WOW!!! Where does all of this stuff come from?? I am going through the Christmas ornaments and decorations in my attic trying to consolidate the 15 Rubbermaid bins of Christmas stuff into, maybe, let's say, 3 bins. Not gonna happen!!! I have forgotten about most of this stuff. I mean, I have the entire set of Sesame Street character ornaments, the entire Star Wars series ornaments, the Shiny Brite ornaments I collect that are at least 50 years old, the ornaments that we put on our trees while I was growing up...... I can't part with that stuff but when in the hell will I do a Star Wars/Sesame Street themed tree? I can save it all for Nick so he can pass it down to his kids but that means, STORING ANOTHER BIN!!! Holy Crap!!! I have two trees.... why??? I don't know. I guess Lowe's had a clearance sale on them. Oh-mah-goodness! Not to mention, I have the LARGE ceramic Santa my mom painted in the 70's which I will NOT part with, the Mr. and Mrs. Claus that light up and move, the 50 nutcrackers that I collect, lights, wrapping paper, boxes, tags, tinsel, wreaths, poinsettia plants and the red dinner wear for the holidays...... OMG.... I hope Darren likes Christmas ALL YEAR LONG!!!
Am I the only person who has this much stuff? Is this a disease I have? Do I need to be on that show "Hoarders?" Uggghhh...... back to packing.....

Who doesn't love Cousin Eddie? This will get you in the Christmas spirit!!!

The Pink Panther

So, I was on my way to Macon to see Darren and pick out an apartment this weekend when this truck passed me.  It was someone with a "handy-man" kind of business. He had advertisements all over the truck and a picture of The Pink Panther.. which, duh, I know that they use his picture on the pink insulation packages. Anyways, I drove all the way to Macon without the radio on because I've had so much on my mind and I was just doing a lot of thinking.  WHEN IT HIT ME!!! The Pink Panther is... well, just that! A pink PANTHER!!! He's a PANTHER!!! I swear to you, this did not register with me until two days ago!! How did I NOT know this? I didn't watch the show much when I was a kid but I was aware of the show. I knew who the Pink Panther was. I swear to you, I had the biggest A-HA moment I think I've ever had!!! I seriously laughed my ass off for miles!! I just thought that was his name... like The Roadrunner or Yosimite Sam...  WHO KNEW???!!?!?!?  Just when I think that I may not have been a total waste of space in High School, things like this make me wonder how in the hell I went to college or was a Crime Scene Technician. WOW!! Just thought I'd share this to either make you laugh (at my expense) or make you go, "no shit!!! Really? I didn't know he was a PANTHER, either!" I did pull up some Pink Panther episodes on You Tube and was tickled to death to see that he liked the Bubble Tub too, apparently!! Heh..... a pink Panther... too funny!

Free Fallin'

Last night while I was packing up my bedroom, I was going through old pictures, cards, yearbooks.... getting side tracked and sentimental way too easily. Plus listening to my 80's classic rock station on Slacker Radio wasn't helping, either. But, it totally made me think about how carefree and easy my life was in my teens. I did everything I wasn't supposed to because I wanted to know WHY I wasn't supposed to! I just didn't except NO for any answer.  I know I put my parents through hell, but, to be honest with you, I think it totally made me who I am today. My mom has always said, she knows no matter what situation I get into, that I'll always get out of it. I've never been one to just sit back and take what lies in front of me. If there is something that I want, I go for it!  My son didn't get everything he always wanted, but, if there was something he did want, I did what I had to do to get it for him.
So, while I was packing, of course I was thinking about the what if's.... "what if" Darren thinks I snore too loud? or, "what if" nobody there "gets" me and I have no friends? You know, that nervous worrying that happens when you are about to change your life? But then, I had the TOM CRUISE A-HA MOMENT!! No, I didn't jump up and down on
the bed and profess my love for Kate...... I had THAT moment... when Tom Petty came on the radio singing Free Falling... it hit me!! I was getting ready to take that jump into my new life! This is going to be exciting! Life is supposed to be about changes and being happy and living for the moment! Right? (damn, I sound like a frigin cheerleader!) Yes, things are going to be a little stressful until I'm actually there, but, I am soooooooooooo looking forward to the changes.  I'm such a creature of habit... this will be good for me! My son is moving to Florida, which, it makes me sad and every time I think about it, it makes me think of him growing up. Little league games, putting his dirty feet all over the walls, watching his eyes light up when I brought home a happy meal, first day of school...... ugggh. I want him to go and be like I was. I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy.  It's still sad, though.This is exactly what I needed. I've been in Nashville for 14 years. Don't get me wrong, I like Nashville and I've made a lot of great friends. I will miss them all very much because each one has brought something into my life. But it's time to move on and live for me. I have been so butt puckered over the last several years.... worrying about my job, my house, getting my son through high school and then college.... I just need to UN pucker and LIVE! Now, if I can just do this and stop worrying about every little thing, I should be one happy camper!!
Oh, and a side note, I have the EXACT same glasses as Tom Petty is wearing! Sorry Darren! They are timeless! Yep, I'm stuck in the 80's but hey, that's just who I am!!

Don't Make Me Cry on My Sticky Fingers

I am an emotional wreck right now...... OMG...... my life as I know it and have lived it for the last 15 plus years is about to change drastically. For those who don't know me, I moved to Nashville 15 years ago. I'm originally from Watertown, NY. So that in itself was a HUGE change. Now, I'm experiencing the almost empty nest syndrome, moving to a new state, making new friends, hoping to keep my job, feeling out of place, state of mind. I am in a constant state of panic, fear, sadness and stress. I'm always nauseous.... I can't help it. I feel like that dude on the cartoon who always said, "which way did he go, which way did he go!" I can't think straight. I'm always second guessing everything I do. Ugghh.... I feel like I just need a constant wine drip to exist right now.
I went to GA over the weekend to see D and to look for a place to live. I was fine.... until I got there. Then it hit me. Panic... fear....OMG... I try not to let D know that I feel this way because I don't want HIM panicking, etc.... I had an emotional meltdown while I was there.I just got so overwhelmed that I just literally shut down. I couldn't and didn't even want to think about finding a new place to live. So much shit ran through my mind. The reality that I would not be near my son (we've been together since he was born....23 years ago!), the fact that I'm going to be giving up my mini-mansion with it's beautiful bubbletub, not seeing my bunnies everyday, knowing that my job is 11 miles away, sliding down the driveway in my basket, Sonic just around the corner.... then, the thought of being here alone, not with my D, made me so sad. I'm just a hot mess, I tell ya. I literally just shut down and went and got into the bed (at 3:00 in the afternoon) and cried myself to sleep. Why is this happening? Shouldn't I be thrilled? Shouldn't I be excited to start this new chapter? Poor Darren, he has listened to me flip flop my decisions back and forth so much he doesn't know if he's dating me or six different versions of me. He never knows who he's gonna get when he calls me. Calm Kerri. Sad Kerri. Whacko Kerri. Damn..... It got so bad that HE suggested I go have a glass of wine (he no longer drinks.....). If you know Darren, then you know I must have been WAY out there for him to suggest this. We went to Sticky Fingers for dinner over the weekend and I swear, it took everything I had not to cry onto my Memphis rubbed ribs..... I'm such a wiener.
So, anyone... HELP!!! How do I get the fuck out of this FUNK??? I am a creature of habit and change does NOT suit me well. Never has. Seriously, I'm afraid I'm going to literally have a stroke. Plus, I'm doing a LOT of emotional eating and THAT'S not helping me, either. Speaking of emotional eating, we are having a SNACK DAY at work for a lead who is leaving. I'm not emotional over that! I don't wanna snack. Why do I have to bring something in? Women walking around all day fillin' up their plates with cookies, sausage balls, bread, and whatever other shit they can eat....ALL DAY!! I HATE BEING BACK AT THE OFFICE!!!! I can't stand people talking to me. Constantly. I thought the newness of me being back at the office would wear off after a day or two. NOPE. A month later and people are still stopping by my desk shooting the shit. Look people.... I get here at 6am, LONG before any of your asses, put my headphones on, rock out to 80's music ALL. DAY. LONG. When you stop by, you are disturbing me. I don't tell you this because, well, I don't want to see you cry. But seriously, YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I don't NEED anymore friends!!! UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... ok, I'm gonna get out of this tub and go eat some ice cream, curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Good night. Peace out.

Pooh, Pooh, Pee, Doo!!!

If you know me, you know I've been working from home for the last year and a half. I was called back to work at the office two weeks ago. And I've got to tell you, IT'S CONSTIPATING ME!!!!!! No, REALLY!!!!
I'm one of those pooh-shy people.... you know, the one's who can't  go at a rest area, restaurant, gas station, relatives house, etc....  It's like I  get toilet shy.  I don't know why.  I just do.  Honestly, this is like the worst thing about being back at the office.
I'm dealing with the fifty different smells coming from the kitchen at lunch time. I mean, no matter what anyone cooks, the shit always smells like re fried beans to me.  Gross!!!! I bring everything I need with me in my lunch bag.  There is NEVER a need for me to go into that nasty kitchen! I mean, why would you want to warm up your lunch in a microwave where every one's blown up shit, is hanging from the top of the microwave because they didn't cover their dish? Really, warm up a cup of coffee with a big pasta sauce loogie hanging over it, just waiting for the opportune time to fall into YOUR coffee....... disgusting! People are nasty.  But again, I'm tolerating that.
But (no pun intended here), I have not and don't believe I will ever be able to stand the restrooms or the nasty ass shit that is in there.  First off, I'm the one you hear two stalls down that sounds like they're in a wrestling match with a roll of wax paper! Yes, I LAYER the seat with the complimentary seat covers. And I'm obviously the ONLY one that uses them!!! I will only do this if it's an emergency pee situation! I cannot stand having to tinkle in a room with 8 other people!! It's disgusting! Again, it has to be a life or pee-your-pants situation for me to even enter the poo-troth!
My problem is this..... I come home on Fridays, bloated, stomach as hard as a brick and literally full of SHIT!!! I cannot seem to overcome my fear of public-poohing! I try, but, as soon as I think it's possible, I freeze! Someone walks in and totally messes up my momentum. Then I spend the next three minutes checking out their nasty ass, un-painted, cuticle covered toenails while they just pooh like it's no big deal!!! Farting, grunting....... What???   How can this not bother people?? Seriously, I've been with D for almost a year and there is no WAY I'd pooh in front of him!! I freak out if he walks in twenty minutes after the fact!!! He probably wonders why there is an overwhelming smell of Clorox, hairspray, Axe and perfume coming from the bathroom! I just can't do it..... When I was working from home, I had a routine.  No problems what.so.ever.
So, this past Friday, when I got home, I was in agony! I felt like I would have sunk to the ocean floor if someone threw me out of a boat! I was in soooooo much pain.  So, I bought me some WOMEN'S gentle, yet effective overnight relief laxatives.  I figured, heck, what could it hurt? I take my little pink "wonder pill", went to bed with the thoughts of sleeping in, being lazy.... ahhh..... UGGGHHHHHH..... 4 am....A.M.... Saturday morning, my "gentle yet effective" relief was kicking in.  I thought I was having a bad dream.... that I was having labor pains!!! That shit HURT!!!! Who invented the laxative??? A 500 pound man, obviously!!! This was the worst pain EVER!!!!!!! I will NOT be taking those again!! WOW! So, here it is, Monday,  day one of the week long  POOH-STRIKE. I hate the office...........