I'm NOT Perfect??? Are you serious???

Wow... nothing like having a day dedicated to reinforcing the fact that you are NOT perfect. Jeesh.....
It started off with a phone call basically stating the obvious....I'M NOT PERFECT!! I'm ok with the fact that I'm not perfect. But to be berated first thing in the morning?? Ummm, NO! I cannot and will not deal with that! Especially over shit that is not worth arguing about. I am forty years old... please don't treat/talk to me like a naive little child. There is nothing worse than someone putting you on a pedestal and when you do something that, to the normal person, wouldn't be that big of a deal, you are treated like you just stole their best friend and cut their heart out. WTF?
Not only that, I woke up this morning in AGONY!!! I couldn't even roll over. I raked and bagged leaves ( 15 total bags) yesterday and I am seriously paying for it today. My calves hurt, my glutes hurt, my back hurts,my shoulders hurt, my forearms hurt, my hands have blisters on them and my neck is sensitive to the touch!! OMG!!! Two muscle relaxers, a 40 of Miller Lite and a hot bath did NOT help it at ALL!! So, here it is, Sunday, and what am I doing? Sitting in the recliner, ON THE HEATING PAD LIKE AN OLD PERSON!!!!
Before I got comfy in the recliner, I went to Target to order my new glasses. When the old dude helping me was all excited about the fact that my new bifocal, PROGRESSIVE lenses are just like his, I felt the gray come into my hair follicles at lightning speed. How can this be??? I had 20/20 vision about 5 years ago. How did I go from PERFECT vision to progressively NOT perfect? Regardless, I ordered them because frankly, I CAN'T SEE SHIT!
I know I'm not perfect and nothing about me is perfect. Nobody is. But, I am who I am and if that's not good enough, well, I don't know what to tell you.

I Don't Care Anymore.......

What a crap-ass day!! Rain... wind.... blah.... 
I'm sitting in my bubble tub, of course, thinking about things that have been going on in my life lately. Needless to say, some things I'm not very happy about. Recently, I was pretty much called a liar. OK, let me just clear the air here real quick. One, I DO NOT LIE!!! If I change my mind, well, that doesn't make me a liar. Indecisive, selfish.... maybe. A liar? Not a chance in hell. Trust me, if I don't like something or don't want to do something, I'll tell you straight out!! So, on that note, kiss my ass! I'm tired of trying to defend myself.
I've also come to the conclusion recently that I'm too frigin nice! WTF is wrong with me? I cater to people because I genuinely care about them and then get shit on. How can people do that? And why in the hell do I keep letting it happen? NO MORE!!! 
I'm all about Kerri right now and what makes ME happy!!! You don't like it? Oh well, I'm sorry..... fuck off then.

Today, I'm lying in the tub, my pore cleansing face mask drying on my face like hot, red clay in the Georgia sun (hoping it pulls all the wrinkles and blemishes OUT), candles burning, radio blasting.... just all about me. I'm also not answering my phone or text messages today. I see a big glass of wine (I said one glass and it is after 12:00 for you bible beating hypocrites), Jersey Shore marathon (yeah, a little juice head Guido marathon is more accurate),my recliner, a nap and then some writing later on. Yep. That's my day.
So, watch out, the NEW and IMPROVED Kerri is getting ready to emerge. You think my blogs are nasty now? You ain't seen nothin' yet!!!  No more Miss Sensitive (believe it or not, I really am an overly sensitive person. I know previous blogs would make you think differently)...... I just read Snooki's article in Rolling Stone and ya' know what? She may look like a little sausage but that girl is honest and doesn't give a shit what people think about her!! She is who she is and look where it's taking her? She's not perfect, that for sure, but she doesn't let people shit on her and calls them out when they try to.  She's my new hero! I will not be sporting the Snooki pouf or the tight dresses.  I don't want to be her clone. I just want to have the confidence of that pint size sausage in a baby sock (and to think I didn't like her at one point. That's what you get for judging someone without really knowing them).
Well, time to rinse the mask and have some wine.
Phil Collins says it best........

Spring is in the Air........ Get Your Damn Feet Done!!!!!

Lord help me..... seems like every year, when I go to Target on the one nice day that feels like Spring is almost here, I run into the person who got so excited to wear summer attire that they left the house looking suck-tastic! Last year, I had the run in with the guy with the shorty-shorts on and the chia pets UN GROOMED!!! This year, it's the woman with the feet that are so dry and flaky and cracked, wearing NICE sandals..... WTF? Do you people not do a "look over" before you head out the door? First off, I hate feet! I only like my own. But, when it's time to lose the socks and wear sandals, I exfoliate, exfoliate, EXFOLIATE!!! Then, I do a major pedicure, you know, to soften up the skin, make it look like I didn't just step in a pile of cigarette ashes and plaster of paris.THAT IS SO FRIGIN NASTY!!!! They just look all rough and crusty.... ewwwwww!!!! I hope you don't have expensive sheets on your bed!!! You'll cut them bitches up with your heels getting in.
I don't know why this annoys the shit out of me! It just does. I think everyone should take care of themselves before exposing your feet for the summer.  My feet look good all year long.... because I DON'T want to have to buy new sheets every other week! Plus, it just feels good.
I guess it's just that time of year......  I'm growing to hate the end of winter/beginning of Spring.  It grosses me out, honestly.  Oh, and what about the legs... all dry and flaky....  uggghhhh!! They make fucking lotion, people!!!
Oh hell, at least it gives me something to blog about.  Happy almost Spring, people!
Peace out~

Holy Shit..... Where to Begin

I've been in a funk over the last few weeks and I'm really starting to irritate the shit out of myself. Is it the weather? Is it the anticipation of receiving my divorce papers? Is it the unknown of where my life is headed to now? I don't know.... and even a bottle of Little Penguin Merlot is not helping me out.I can't concentrate on any one thing for more than a nano-second, it seems. I've also fallen into this selfish mode.  I think about me and me only and let me tell ya, that is NOT cool.  When people you love say, "Um, what the eff? Did you forget I'm here?", that's a sign that your head  is apparently up your ass.  I have always tried to make people know that I care about them and want them around. Lately, I just push people out the door. Literally.

Not only that, I'm getting pissed over the crap going on in the world.

Take for instance, my neighbor. A 16 year old kid....  conspired with two friends at school to kill his parents.  WHAT???? So, last week, the two other boys showed up at his house and shot him instead?? WTF? Craziness.  Now I'm afraid to sit in the Bitch Cave and enjoy a nightcap. Great.....  Losers. Jody, I'm getting a gun.... soon.....

I have nothing nice to say about anything right now. I have friends that seem to think that my life is just as normal as it ever was, not thinking I may be dealing with a lot of stress due to the impending dissolution of my marriage. No, don't ask if I'm ok..... don't worry that I'm sitting here stressed,  pulling my hair out, feeling like a failure.... nah.... let's turn it into why I'm not my same old self and how it is a shock that I am not the ME you knew 6 months ago. Shit... Really??? If you were my friend, then, I guess you should understand that I'm not really myself right now. And just fucking leave it at that. Or hell, just pop in one day and take a look for yourself! I'm in the nurturing Kerri mode right now.... I'm not into making sure other people are feeling all warm and fuzzy. (Read paragraph two again) Oh,I forgot your birthday? Well excuse the piss outta' me. I was kind of busy.... drowning in a bottle of Merlot!!!! 

See, nothing nice is going to come out of this blog. I should end it right here, but shit, I'm on a roll.

Here's another tidbit of info..... if you have "Baby Mama Drama" issues, PLEASE, PLEASE.... DON'T POST THAT SHIT ON FACE BOOK.  Are you ignorant? First off, we know that baby mama drama stems from the Mama not likin' the Daddy being happy or having a life.  So, take the drama to Judge Whapner if it's that frigin important. Nobody needs to know that you're a jack-ass!! Oh, and for you hypocrites, writing nasties on Face book about someone and then telling that said someone later on that you're sorry and you're going to go pray on it......  go eat shit please.  You are a crazy person and EVERYONE knows it. Prayers, lying about your education, exorcisms'......  we know you people are nuts.... you really don't need to put it out there for the world to see.  You're only humiliating yourself.  

OK, well, this is why I haven't been blogging,..... not too many nice things to say.

Well, hope y'all enjoy the video.  

Break is Over...... Time to Bitch Again!

Just happened to notice that I haven't bitched...,. I mean, blogged, in a few weeks.  Why you ask? I have no idea. Kind of been in a funk. Or I could still be in shock after receiving my out-frigin-rageous electric bill!!! Crap, don't get me started on that again!!
Let's see, what have I been doing....... well, I redid my living room and now it's a comfy, cozy, lay in the recliner, junk food eating, Jersey Shore watching womb.  It's my happy place. Which, unfortunately, is not helping the muffin top issue that has crept up again. See, I quit hula-hooping and look what happened.  I was even going to the gym 3 nights a week but since we got all that snow, I refuse to leave the house for anything other than the necessities..... wine, smokes, coffee.... you see where I'm going with that. I'm going to Florida for a few days next week and when I get back, it's back to the gym to widdle the muffin.
I'm in the process of outlining my new book. I've gotten some of it written and working on a proposal as we speak. SOMEONE PLEASE HIRE MY ASS TO WRITE!!!!!!!!  Who wouldn't want a witty, smart-mouthed, tell-it-like-it-is writer representing their company?? I've seen some crappy books out there lately and figured the authors must have self published or blew the publisher because I now use those books pages as coasters, tissues, fire starters and whatever else they may be good for. Certainly not good for reading.
So, anyways, I'm back and I'm on a mission! Watch out New York Times Best Sellers List!!!! 

The Girl with the Golden Fingers ( like Ted Williams, but different......)

I'm in a pissy/tired mood and I'm just gonna do a little venting, so, sit tight and don't get your panties in a wad. This is just how I'm feeling.... right this second.

First.... Ted Williams. The "homeless guy with the golden voice."  OK, yep, it was a nice, touching, gotta love second chances kind of story.....  THE FIRST TIME.  I never sit down and watch tv but today I decided to eat my lo mein OUTSIDE of the bubble tub.  I know, right???  Anyways, I turned on Inside Edition and guess who?? Ted Williams.  Ok, so it was a touch annoying but I dealt with it. Then, after commercial break, guess who again?? Ted Williams.  This time it was Oprah talking about how she wants to hire him.  (He should be pretty jazzed cause if Oprah looks at it, touches it, farts on it..... it turns golden!) Commercial.  Oh, wow, guess who's on during this next segment? TED FRICKIN WILLIAMS!!! This time his children are watching him on tv, blowing him kisses, ya da ya da ya da.  They acted like they hadn't seen him in decades. Which, is not true.  Since his one daughter was telling how he comes and bathes and washes clothes at her house.  That's besides the point.  Look, here's my problem.  You have a man that was a drug addict, an alcoholic and homeless.  In less than 24 hours, he's been given job offers by Oprah, NBA folks want him to be the voice of the Cavaliers (I have no clue who they are but Darren, ya better be proud!), and he's already done one commercial... a voice over for Kraft mac and cheese.  They are shooting this man all the way to the top in a matter of hours.  He lived in a tent for shit's sake! Let the man get used to living like a MAN again... THEN bog him down with this crap.  You don't think any of this might send him spiraling back down???
I did see, like a two second clip, of this woman who was doing yoga, with her naked infant, holding it by the wrists and ankles, swinging it back and forth, upside down, behind her back.... WTF??? Then that was it.  Um, I hope someone called protective services on her ass!!! Really? Oh, wait, more Ted Williams.
Then, to top off the broadcast, some fine Nashvillian's, representing....... yes, the 77 year old grandmother who was arrested on New Year's Eve, driving drunk down the interstate in Nashville......  THE WRONG WAY!!! With her drunk ass grandson sleeping in the passenger seat.  Nice.
This is why I don't watch tv during the day.
Maybe this is why I got a fortuneless fortune cookie today...........  hmmmph.

GOODBYE 2010!!!!

Well, 2010 is almost over...... and I am soooooooooooooo thankful to see it go.  This has been a roller coaster of a year.  Good times, bad times (a LOT more bad than good, I might add ), miserable times.  I'm ready to start 2011! My divorce will be final in another 30 days or so, I'll be going back to the office to work (my decision.... I'm bored and lonely), I'm going to get back into my writing and this year  one of my books will be completed and published! It's time to get serious, worry about ME and MY future and how I'm going to take care of ME...... instead of trying to make other people happy and giving up myself to do it.  I did that for way too long and it's time to stop. 
I've decided that 2011 is the "Year of Kerri!"  I'm going to do things FOR me, the way I want to do them, WHEN I want to do them. "Oh, I feel like taking off and going to Mexico for the weekend!...... buh-bye!" Or, "Ya know, I don't feel like going and watching a live band........  I'm going to stay home and drink wine and eat chocolate. Why? Because I can!" Yep, I feel less stressed just thinking about the New Year! I'm not going to feel guilty about going to Barnes and Noble every Friday night and hanging out with my fellow nerds, enjoying huge cups of coffee, reading magazines and researching.  THAT'S what I like so THAT'S what I'm going to do!!!! I think J and I will finally hit Sips and Strokes and do a LOT more vintage clothes shopping. 
I am very lucky to have a son who is caring, considerate and kind.  I plan on spending more time with him this year as well.  I miss my friends and plan on making more time for them, too.  Missy.... Jody..... we WILL be going to a Cubs game this year!! Maybe two!!! I WILL make it to Chicago this year!!! I also want to go back to Watertown, NY.... where I grew up. I miss it.  I can do ALL of these things now without worrying that I'm going to hurt someones feelings or piss someone off!
I spent the first 40 years of my life taking care of other people and putting what I wanted on the back burner.  Not anymore.  The next 40 are MINE!!!!

So, on that note, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!