Superfluous Underwear!!!

I had to go out and buy a pair of underwear recently, to go under a dress. I'll admit, I'm not an underwear wearer. Yeah, yeah....  Get over it.
Anyways, I had no idea that trying to purchase one pair of beige underwear was going to turn into such an ordeal. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed and I was on a mission. I had a few hours before my flight left so I needed to get to Target and pick up said pair of beige underwear, go home, pack the rest of my stuff and take off for the airport.
So I get to Target, head to the "underwear jungle" and search for just the right pair. I was looking for a cheap, plain beige, no thong, no lace, just plain ole' cotton "underpants," as my mom still calls them. I searched high and low for my "single pair of no muss, no fuss,beige underwear". Beige and white stripes, beige with flowers, beige with hearts, beige with colored stripes, beige g-string, beige thong. Do people NOT wear plain colored bikini underwear these days?
Then, I found them. But the ONE pair I needed was in a pack of three... a black pair, a white pair and ta- DAH... a beige pair. Well, I guess if this is the ONLY way I'm going to get my ONE pair of beige underpants, then so be it. I looked up at the price tag and WHOA.....$9.99!! For THREE, count 'em, THREE pairs of underwear! Are you kidding me?? If I was to wear underwear, I would be changing them everyday. So that means, I would need seven pair for the week. That would cost approximately $30 for a weeks worth of underwear. Wait... WHAT??? Since when were underwear more expensive than a dinner at Logan's Steakhouse? I could buy a new pair of Chucks for what I would spend on one week's worth of underwear! I could have bought 30 songs on Itunes, a carton of cigarettes, filled up my gas tank.......  Underwear is so overrated!! What a waste.
Every time I think about my trip to Target for ONE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR, it reminds me of this scene from Father of the Bride......

Don't make me kill you with my 3.4 ounces of deodorant!

Have you ever flown and when you packed, you totally forgot about the size of the liquids you are allowed to carry on to the plane? I usually run out to Target and get the 99 cent tube of toothpaste and the trial size deodorant and then just use someone else's body wash, shampoo, etc. No big deal. But when I flew to Tampa last week, I just threw a few things in my bag because I was only going for a few days, so I didn't bring tons of crap. Without even thinking about it  I threw in my toothpaste and deodorant (I did put them in a zip-lock) that I use everyday.
I very rarely check my luggage. I hate standing around waiting for it when I get to where I'm going so, I make sure it will all fit in my small suitcase so I can carry it on the plane with me.
So, I pull off my shoes, my belt, put my laptop in it's OWN tote, per the as-a-matter-of-factly TSA dude, and stand in the glass bubble while my entire body is looked at with that fancy x-ray machine thing. While I'm waiting on the other side, my bare feet standing on the cold, probably funky with toe jam and athlete's foot fungus tiles, I see my duffel bag start to come out of the machine. Whoops! Back in it goes. It doesn't come out. A TSA agent grabs my bag and says, "Is this yours?" "Yes, it's mine." I kind of got a little scared. I was thinking, "did someone slip something in my bag?" The LOVELY TSA agent pulls out my bras, panties, camera and my ziplock filled with my toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant. "This is the problem. You can't have this on the plane," as she unzipped the ziplock and removed the deodorant and toothpaste. "I'll dispose of it for you." Wow.  It's toothpaste and deodorant. Ok. It's their job. I get it. My bad."Next time you pack, we specifically state on our website to use one-quart ziplock bags. You have here a one GALLON size bag." Are you fucking serious?  On that note, I slid on my shoes, threw my belt in my purse and hauled my duffel bag with my one gallon ziplock to Tootsie's and had a QUART of beer!!
Now, I'm not knocking TSA for doing their job. I'm not. But answer me this....  On the way back from Tampa, I had in my duffel bag, a ONE-GALLON zip lock (the same one I brought with me) with a FULL size deodoarant, a FULL size toothpaste, a 10 ounce bottle of hair product and a picture frame with a picture of my sister and her new husband. WITH THE GLASS IN IT!!! Explain to me HOW the frame was not thrown away. I think if I was a terrorist, I would try to hurt someone by breaking the glass and making a weapon with it rather than spending three minutes uncapping and rolling out the deodorant and poking someone in the eye with it. They didn't bat at eye at my bag. They watched it on the monitor and let it go through.
I'm just glad to see that TSA is consistent. Makes me feel really safe. NOT!!!!
Oh, and on my flight from Atlanta to Nashville, one of the flight attendants was an Asian male. Lets just say, it's a good thing I've flow before because if not, I would have never been able to figure out how to make my seat a floatation device or how to put my oxygen mask on. Jeesh.
"Wel-om to At-an-ta. Two-day, we are go to Nish-vill. Pleeeeese have good day."

Holy Crap! Call 911!! I Lost My Contacts!!!

Laugh if you want, but, I seriously sat and cried today....because of a stupid cell phone.
I'll admit, my IPhone is like my lifeline. Literally. I don't know any phone numbers. You're a name/contact, people. That's why God invented the IPhone. For convenience and to cut down on the amount of post-it notes I have hung up!
I got my new IPhone 4 a few months ago after the cat that adopted us pulled mine off of the table and shattered the screen. I'm not gonna lie.I'm not good at preventative maintenance, routine maintenance or any other kind of maintenance.  Only when it comes to my toenails.
When I got the IPhone 4, I didn't log into itunes and do the crap you're supposed to do. My bad. So, this morning, I realized that I never put all of my music on this phone. I thought you just plug in the phone to the computer, hit a button and ta-DA!! No.... oh HELL NO! I apparently hit the, "restore to factory settings" button. And it put all the shit from my IPhone 3 onto this phone. Which, I also didn't realize the last time I backed up/updated that phone was in September 2011.
I lost all of my new contacts, pictures, my notepad with ALL of my log in/passwords to EVERYTHING, Angry Birds.... it's all gone. Now, the pièce de ré·sis·tance, I apparently, soon after getting divorced, changed my Itunes info and passwords. ARE YOU SERIOUS????? I've spent well over 2 hours total on the phone with the APPLE people and basically, I'M SCREWED!!! I've gotten all my passwords and lo gins taken care of but my pictures..... never to be seen again.
I clocked out of work, sat and cried and then I added Icloud to my phone so there is NO WAY I can do this again. I was seriously lost for several hours today. I had to find Darren's phone bill so I could get his number off of it and call him. 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I use my IPhone CONSTANTLY! It's my phone, laptop, map, gaming device, notepad, newspaper.... IT'S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!! So you'll understand why I was so upset. 
Today was very traumatizing and frustrating. My phone is still not 100% up and running but at least I can make phone calls.  I'm just pissed that my pics are gone. Dammit. I hope I can sleep tonight. This really is devastating.
Well, nothing that a bowl of Lucky Charms and Modern Family on TV can't cure.

You Touch Your Own Feet????

Yes...... I touch my own feet. This was my response to the early 20 something blond that lives upstairs. The one I believe wears wooden clogs 24 HOURS A DAY!
I was out on my porch today, giving myself a pedicure and enjoying the almost 80 degree weather. I mean, spring will officially be here in 17 days, so, it's time to get the feet cleaned up and ready for sandals for the next 6 months.
 This is not just a one day fix. You have to soak and slough, soak and slough, moisturize, slough some more and THEN put on a fab-U (I know you hate that word Stephanie....sorry) coral shade! Yes, it will make your legs look very pasty at first but, go get some sun! Everyone knows I'm a toenail freak!! I can't stand to see nasty ass feet in expensive sandals. If you can afford $20 sandals then you can afford a pedicure. I prefer to do my own because I'm cheap. And I'd rather spend that $20 on a cardigan or some books. But I at least do them!
I was just putting on my top coat when Blondie says in a squeamish voice, "you touch your own feet?" Um, "yes, don't you?" "Oh girl, NOOOOO!! They have people who do that for you!" No shit, really? "Well, I like to do my own and save my money." She proudly responded, "My daddy gives me an allowance for my nails every month!" Well, isn't that swell. "Well, I haven't relied on my daddy to pay my bills since I was 18. So, I guess I'll continue to touch my own feet!"  She gave me that smile like she didn't know if I was being a smart-ass or not, flipped her blond locks over her shoulder and clickity-clacked up the stairs.
Piss me off! Spoiled rich kids. She and a roommate share the apartment above us. They are the NOISIEST people on the planet.  I swear it sounds like they are dropping bricks and doing River Dancing in wooden clogs from Holland!!!
Anyways, consider this your pre-spring, get your feet done, reminder! Nobody wants to look at dried up, old calloused feet with chipped paint still on from last August.
Slough, slough, slough ladies!!! You too, fellas! Nothing worse that seeing a dude in sandals with a big ass callous on the side of his toe!! Ewwwwwwwwww......

YES, You ARE Tired!!! Take These!!

OK, I'll admit, I've been going to a counselor because I was feeling a little homesick-y, empty nest-y, friendless-y...... that kind of crap. Hey, I just moved here a few months ago and got a little overwhelmed. So I thought, heck, why not. Maybe I'll make some friends there. Well, that didn't happen but I sure have gotten a lot of good material out of these visits, which is why I'm continuing to go.
I had no idea that this was a "Christian Counseling Center" when I made the appointment. So the use of the words, fucktard, fat bastard and a long list of four letter words was probably not the best choice. Though my counselor did tell me it was OK to open up and speak freely.  Her bad!
I'm honestly getting a good giggle out of these visits. My counselor has finally figured out my name is NOT Kelly, she loves my purse and cardigans and boots, thinks we could be good friends..... WAIT.... WHAT? I think not. No...  not gonna happen. She cracks me up!! It's really like going to a one hour one-on-one comedy routine. She doesn't tell me anything I don't already know.
Yesterday, she thought I should see the licensed psychiatrist. She thought maybe my mind was spinning too much over everything going on in my life and I may need some medication. Ok, I'll bite.
This shrink! Holy Shit! He was like 70 years old and was HYSTERICAL!!! He said I was tired and needed something to sleep at night. "No, I sleep pretty good, actually."  "NO! You're mentally tired and need a good nights sleep!" Whoa..... are you serious? "You need an anti-depressant to help you get through all of this!" All of what?  I need a beer and cigarette during intermission because this is the best show I've seen in a long time! You have no idea the writing material that's come out of this. Needless to say, I did not get sleeping pills. A nice glass of Merlot does the saaaaaaaame thing. Trust me!

Plasma.... Plasma for sale......

Just when you think you start to see light at the end of the tunnel, POOF!!! The shit-bomb explodes and it's dark and crappy again!!
I just did my taxes and this is the first year I've EVER had to pay in!! What the hell?  I followed the online tax forms, entered the amounts from my W2, kinda got a little sidetracked thinking about the new laptop I was going to purchase with my return, then, right there, in a big red box, "YOU OWE THE IRS $2699.00!"  What? This can't be right!!! Maybe I keyed something in wrong.  Maybe the computer had a glitch. HOLY SHIT SOMEBODY GIVE ME A PAPER BAG!!!! I entered the numbers three different times.  I still owe the IRS!!! I called them!! Ranting and raving!!! I had to pull my mouth filter out because, hey, it is the IRS and they can screw with your money. So, I thought I'd better keep this conversation clean.
The wonderful gentleman on the other end as-a-matter-of-factly pointed out to me that when I got divorced, my employer never changed my w4 to single!! WHAT???  I know I filled that thing out! You've got to be shitting me!! I've been taxed as a married person all year, so, I didn't pay in enough, so now, I must pay the IRS some money!! Wonderful. Not only that, my paychecks will now be much smaller since I'll be taxed even more as a single person.  Which, does not make sense to me.  Tax the people with more than one paycheck coming in every month. Why screw with the single person's check (singular.. as in ONE check.. not TWO...grrrr).
So no new laptop. But I will be the proud owner of a coupon book of payments to go to the IRS every month. Maybe I'll start selling plasma to pay them off early.
I just needed to vent. That is all. Oh, and......FML...........

Uh-Huh...Uh-Huh..Uh- Uh--What???

I work from home doing accounts receivable. I basically have to figure out why insurance claims didn't pay and well, get them to pay.
Today, I was calling one of my usual payers.  A state agency. I won't say which state because that wouldn't be very PEACHY of me.... know what I"m sayin'... . Anyway.... id numbers are usually 12 digits or so long, so me, being professional and aware that some major dumb asses work for these companies use the thee digit rule.  I give numbers in three's then I pause a nanosecond and then go to the next three digits. It's a good little system. So today, I'm talking to a rep and I go on to give the id number.. "1,2...", "UH-HUH!"  What the??? WHY are you interrupting me after only 2 digits? Why are you even SPEAKING??? TYPE the numbers in and don't say a WORD!!!! After her "UH-HUH" I had to ask her what number she got to. "Um, you said 1,2,2.... "NO! That's not what I said. Let me start from the beginning. 1,2..", "UH- HUH, UH-HUH".... What in the HELL????  STOP IT!!!! So I had to ask again what number she got to.  This chick was adamant that I said, 1,2,2.  I never even GOT to the third digit so I have no clue how she came up with that! She started to giggle and said, "I don't know why we're having such a time with this!! It's almost the weekend so we must be getting anxious!" Um, no douche bag! It's only noon on Thursday and I'm getting frustrated because you won't shut your cake hole long enough for me to spit out an id number so you can do your job and tell me why you didn't pay on this claim!!! THAT'S what it making me anxious.  After the third round of the "UH-HUH" game, I just rattled it all off.... 12 digits... one right after the other. Not giving her a chance to slip in the UH-HUH! "Miss Kerri you're like a speed reader!"  Really? No, it's called I have productivity to meet and you're screwing it up for the day. I cannot deal with that shit. Or the one's that snap their gum in your ear, cough in your ear, mute you while they're talking to their neighbor, put you on hold while "they look into it" and accidentally get disconnected (I love having to call back and they are the one to answer again!! That's my ticket to be obnoxious with them!) or give you some fake ass excuse because they have no clue what their doing. 
That shit was just pissing me off today so I thought I share it.
Oh, on a happier note, HAPPY NATIONAL TATER TOT DAY!!!!!! I love tater tots!!! Nom-a-nom-a-nom!!!!!!!